When you and your significant other argue, you bring a lifetime of different defense mechanisms and learned coping strategies into play. But when you make up, there are of course some things you should never do. But what you’re looking for in reconciliation may be more dependent on your gender than your relationship experience, according to a new study published in the journal for Evolutionary Psychological Science. “Our study is the first to look deeper and examine reconciliation actions after romantic conflicts using an evolutionary theory perspective,” says Joel Wade, co-author of the study and professor of psychology at Bucknell University. Wade and colleagues surveyed 38 women and 36 men…

Maybe you’re sitting across the table from your significant other right now. You look up, catch his/her eye, and wish to all that is holy that you had that spark back. You know, that one from the early days of your relationship — when everything was sparkly and new and passionate and felt absolutely amazing. Join the club. Perform a random survey of married or committed couples, and you’ll find that a relationship that feels turbo-charged-with-passion every single day is what they’ll report they want. But do they? Really? Recent studies of sexual frequency indicate that for all our talk about sex in this country, the actual number of sexual…

Relationships usually begin with hearts and butterflies. Everything is fine and dandy. You agree with each other and you compromise. But, as the relationship moves past the “honeymoon stage,” you start to show opinions, differences, and your individual personalities. It is then that you experience a fluctuation in the harmony of the union. A relationship gets tested. If you can have healthy arguments, you can truly learn from one another. Arguing is a major form of communication. It shows individualism, different perspectives and the ability to teach each other. Arguments aren’t necessarily an indicator that there are problems in a relationship. Psychiatrist, Dr. Gail Saltz, with NewYork Presbyterian Hospital, explains that arguing well…

Myth: You’ll live happily ever after In spite of the fantasy of “marital bliss,” associating marriage with increased personal happiness is highly illogical. Social psychologist Bella DePaulo, PhD, thinks of it this way: “Suppose you found, hypothetically, that people who become accountants are happier than those who become poets. Should all poets then set their imagination aside and set up shop as accountants—and expect to become happier as a result? It’s ridiculous.” In order to be happier as a unit, you have to first be satisfied as a single. That doesn’t mean you won’t love being married, but it won’t magically resolve any longstanding personal issues. (Related: Learning “radical acceptance”…

A good marriage doesn’t just happen. Experts, real-life newlyweds, and seasoned married couples share 10 surprising secrets to create a loving, lifelong bond. Live in a ‘Couple Bubble’ “A Couple Bubble is your relationship’s safety and security system,” advises Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. Think of it as a cocoon—created by a couple’s values and promises to each other—that protects the relationship from outside forces. The Couple Bubble is guided by affirmations such as “Our relationship is more important than my need to be right,” and “You’ll be the first to hear about important…

My wife and I hate to fight, mainly because it cuts into our TV watching. Still, a whole cottage industry is encouraging us to pause ‘The Walking Dead’ to engage in open warfare, insisting that hashing stuff out is the foundation of a healthy marriage. Having enjoyed wedded bliss for 20 years myself, I’ve learned these things are actually worth the battle. Fight about: sex My wife loves hugs. If it were up to her, all we would do is hug. If she could have figured a way to have had a baby via hugs, that’s how our daughter would have been conceived. I don’t like hugs. It’s this close…

Fair fighting rule: A positive environment minimizes a destructive fight Create the right environment so that when a conflict does occur, it is not overwhelming. To do this, partners need to respond regularly to one another in a positive fashion. We all yearn to love and be loved, to be seen, heard, and known—to matter. These yearnings are calls for attention: those everyday moments when we share a thought, an observation, an “I love you,” and we hope or expect our partner will respond with a laugh, a hug, or an acknowledgment. Couples whose interactions are brimming with these sort of positive exchanges create an atmosphere over time that tips the…

“Let the angry word be answered only with a kiss.” —Thomas Hill, writer “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.” —Andrea Wachter, marriage counselor “If you can’t say something nice, say it in French.” —Anonymous “Be calm in arguing for fierceness makes error a fault and truth discourtesy.” —George Herbert, poet “Silence is never more golden than when a quarrel is brewing.” —Clifford Adams, marriage counselor More on next page…

Cushion your blows (literally) A study from MIT, Harvard, and Yale shows that people are more flexible and accommodating when they sit on cushioned surfaces. Bruce Feiler, author of Secrets of Happy Families, suggests moving heated conversations to a sofa or chairs with padded seats. Start your sentences with this magic word To take an argument down a notch, start sentences with “I” not “you,” suggests Linda Hill, professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School. “This will help the other person see your perspective and understand that you’re not trying to blame them for the problem,” she told HBR.org. Ask these questions Rather than thinking about what you want…