19 Things Your Marriage Counselor Knows about Your Relationship—but Isn’t Telling You

It’s best when you both care

I love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seem indifferent, my job is a lot harder.

We try to trick you

Sometimes I’ll tell a couple “no sex until the next session. Don’t touch each other, period.” What I’m really hoping is that they’ll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.

Don’t talk to outsiders

It may make you feel better to talk about your marriage issues with a good friend, but it will just make things worse. Never talk to outsiders about things in your marriage that you haven’t already talked about with your spouse.

I’ll try not to be blunt

I’m not going to tell a couple that I have no idea why they’re together. But take the hint if I say something like, “You both have to make a decision about whether this is going to work long term.”

Sometimes I want to yell at you

What do I wish I could say? “Grow up!” “Stop whining!” “Get a life!” When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.

Go to bed angry

Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you’ll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night’s sleep and talk once you’re rested.

We know the signs of failure

Three signs that a couple is not going to succeed: name-calling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fail to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation.

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