Sexless Marriage: What It Means, Why It Happens and How to Fix It

Last updated October 21, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.

A sexless marriage is commonly defined as one in which a couple has sex fewer than about 10 times a year, or hasn’t had sex in six months or longer. There is no official cutoff, and what matters most is whether both of you are content. A sexless marriage becomes a problem when one or both partners feel rejected, lonely or resentful.

It’s far more common than most couples think, and it’s usually fixable. This guide explains what counts as a sexless marriage, the most common causes (stress, health, hormones, resentment, mismatched desire), a step-by-step way to talk about it and fix it, and when to see a doctor or therapist. This site is for adults, and this article is general information, not medical advice.

At a glance

• Definition: commonly fewer than about 10 sexual encounters a year, but there is no official rule.
• Common causes: stress, exhaustion, kids, health and medications, hormones, unresolved conflict, mismatched desire, shame.
• First step: a calm, honest conversation, not blame.
• Often helps: a doctor visit, more non-sexual touch, scheduling intimacy, and counseling or sex therapy.

Is this normal?

Yes. Many couples go through long dry spells, especially around new babies, illness, grief, job stress or depression. If you want to see how others fare, read what surveys say in our article on how long married couples go without sex. Note that some couples are happily low-sex, especially when both partners agree. A sexless marriage is a problem mainly when one or both of you are unhappy about it.

Why marriages become sexless

1. Stress and exhaustion. Work, money worries and childcare can drain desire.
2. Life changes. A new baby, a move, caregiving or grief can interrupt intimacy and sometimes never restart.
3. Health and medications. Pain, erection problems, hormonal changes, and some medications (including some antidepressants) can lower desire or make sex difficult. Talk to a doctor.
4. Mental health. Depression, anxiety and past trauma can affect desire.
5. Mismatched desire. One partner wants sex more often, and the other feels pressure. Read our guide to mismatched sex drives.
6. Resentment and conflict. Anger and unresolved hurt are common desire killers.
7. Rejection cycles. One person initiates, gets turned down, stops asking. The other then feels no pursuit and withdraws. Both feel hurt.
8. Lack of emotional connection. Many people need to feel close before they feel desire.
9. Body image and shame. Embarrassment can lead to avoiding intimacy altogether.
10. Habit. After a long gap, starting again can feel awkward and high-stakes.

His side, her side

The partner who wants sex: “I feel rejected, unattractive and lonely. I don’t know whether my spouse wants me at all.”

The partner who doesn’t: “I feel pressure, guilt and sometimes pain or exhaustion. I don’t want to disappoint my spouse, but I don’t feel desire.”

Neither of you is the villain. The silence, usually, is the real problem.

How to fix a sexless marriage: 8 steps

1. Talk about it, kindly. Choose a calm, private time, not in bed or after a rejection. Start with “I miss you and I want us to feel close” instead of “You never want me.” Our guide to talking to your spouse about sex offers a script.
2. Listen first. Ask what intimacy is like for them, what gets in the way, and what would help. Don’t argue.
3. See a doctor. Hormonal changes, pain, medication side effects, sleep problems and other conditions are common and treatable. Both partners should consider a checkup.
4. Rebuild non-sexual affection. Kissing, cuddling, massage and holding hands with no expectation of sex can reduce pressure and rebuild closeness. See our guide to building intimacy.
5. Make time. Schedule a date night or intimate time, even if it feels unromantic. Anticipation can build desire. Read about getting in the mood when you don’t feel like it.
6. Agree on small steps. For example: touch twice a week, a weekly date, one intimate evening a week with no goal beyond closeness.
7. Address resentment. If anger is the blocker, deal with it directly. Our guide to forgiveness in marriage may help.
8. Get professional help. A sex therapist or couples counselor can help break stuck patterns. See our marriage counselor guide.

If the issue is a spouse who rarely initiates, you may also like our guide on getting your wife in the mood and the article on a husband losing interest. For a deeper look at how desire works, see our explainer on responsive desire.

What to say (and what not to say)

Try:

• “I miss feeling close to you, and I’d like to figure out together what’s gotten in the way.”
• “I’m not blaming you. I want to understand what it’s like for you.”
• “Could we try some cuddling or a massage this week, with no pressure for more?”
• “Would you be open to seeing a doctor or a counselor with me?”

Avoid:

• “You never want me.”
• Pressuring, guilt-tripping or keeping score.
• Threats about cheating or leaving as leverage.
• Bringing it up only during or right after a rejection.

When it’s a bigger problem

Talk to a professional if:

• Pain, erection problems or sudden changes in desire persist. See a doctor.
• Either of you has depression, anxiety, trauma or past sexual abuse that affects intimacy. A licensed therapist can help.
• You have tried talking and nothing changes, or conversations turn into fights.
• One of you has stopped caring or is considering an affair or leaving.
• Sex has been used as a weapon, or someone feels pressured or unsafe. No one should be pressured into sex in marriage.

If you feel unsafe, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. If you’re feeling hopeless, call or text 988 in the U.S. This article is general information, not medical or professional advice.

Want more on this topic? See our guide to intimacy and sex in marriage.

Frequently asked questions

How is a sexless marriage defined?

Researchers and therapists often define it as having sex about 10 times a year or less, or not at all for six months or more. What matters is whether it’s a problem for either partner.

Can a sexless marriage be saved?

Often, yes. Honest conversation, a medical checkup, more non-sexual affection, scheduled intimacy and counseling can all help, especially if both partners are willing.

Is it normal to be in a sexless marriage?

It’s more common than most people realize, particularly during stressful or busy life stages. It’s a concern if one or both of you are unhappy, in which case it’s worth addressing.