How to Get in the Mood When You Don’t Feel Like It
Last updated October 29, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.
If you want to want sex but just don’t feel like it, you’re far from alone. Low desire is very common, especially with stress, exhaustion, young kids or hormonal changes. The good news is that desire isn’t fixed. Understanding how your own desire works, and changing what gets in the way, can help you get in the mood more often.
This article is general information. A sudden or lasting drop in desire is worth discussing with a doctor.
Why you might not be in the mood
- Stress and the mental load
- Exhaustion and poor sleep
- Hormones: birth control, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause and menopause
- Medications, including some antidepressants
- Body image concerns
- Pain during sex, which deserves medical attention
- Relationship issues: resentment or disconnection
Understand responsive desire
Many people, especially women in long-term relationships, don’t feel desire “out of nowhere.” Instead, desire shows up after affection and arousal begin. That’s called responsive desire, and it’s completely normal. It means waiting to “feel like it” first may not work for you.
12 ways to get in the mood
1. Lower your stress first
A walk, a bath, or 20 minutes alone can shift you out of to-do-list mode.
2. Get your partner to share the load
It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re running the whole household. See dividing chores in marriage.
3. Prioritize sleep
Fatigue is one of the biggest desire killers.
4. Start with touch
Cuddling, kissing or a massage without pressure lets responsive desire kick in.
5. Think about sex during the day
A flirty text exchange, a memory, or a romantic novel builds anticipation. Try our romantic texts.
6. Move your body
Exercise boosts energy, mood and body confidence.
7. Do something that makes you feel attractive
Whatever helps you feel like yourself, from an outfit to a workout.
8. Set the scene
Clean sheets, soft lighting, no phones, locked door.
9. Talk with your partner
Share what helps and what turns you off. Read how to talk to your spouse about sex.
10. Try something new
Novelty can reawaken interest.
11. Address resentment
It’s hard to want someone you’re quietly angry with. Talk it through, or get help.
12. See a doctor if it persists
Hormonal changes, medications and pain are common, treatable causes of low libido in women and men.
If your desire differs from your partner’s, read handling mismatched libido in marriage.
To understand why desire sometimes shows up after you start, read about responsive desire.
Desire can also shift with hormones: see perimenopause and marriage.
Common desire killers (and what helps)
| Desire killer | What helps |
|---|---|
| Exhaustion | Earlier bedtimes, sharing night duties, intimacy at a different time of day |
| Feeling unappreciated | Specific thank-yous and help without being asked |
| Body image worries | Kind self-talk and reassurance. See body confidence in marriage |
| Unresolved conflict | Talk it through first; closeness follows repair |
| Same routine every time | A new setting or time, or a date first. See intimacy ideas |
| Medications or hormones | A conversation with your doctor |
How to talk to your partner about low desire
- “It’s not about you. I’ve been running on empty, and I want to find our way back.”
- “I’m more likely to get in the mood when we’ve had time to connect first.”
- “Can we try starting with cuddling and see where it goes, no pressure?”
Her side, his side
Her side: “I love him, but I rarely feel spontaneous desire anymore. Once we get going, I usually enjoy it.”
His side: “When she isn’t in the mood, I assume she doesn’t want me.”
For many people, desire shows up after closeness starts, not before. Knowing that takes the pressure off both of you.
Want more on this topic? See our guide to intimacy and sex in marriage.
Frequently asked questions
How can I increase my sex drive naturally?
Reduce stress, sleep more, exercise, connect emotionally with your partner, and talk to a doctor about hormones or medications.
Is it normal to never be in the mood?
Low desire is common, but if it’s bothering you or your relationship, it’s worth exploring with a doctor or sex therapist.
What is responsive desire?
Desire that appears after physical affection begins, rather than before. It’s very common in long-term relationships.
The bottom line
Not feeling in the mood is common and usually fixable. Lower stress, protect sleep, start with touch, talk openly and deal with resentment. If low desire persists or comes with other changes, check in with your doctor.
This article offers general information, not medical advice.
