Love as a word is entirely fleeting. Only when the actions behind the words come into focus can the words begin to find their footing and begin to take shape. When we continue to take action toward strengthening that love and allowing it to prosper within the relationship: we’re loving someone the right way. When we take that love for granted or perform actions that potentially poison that bond and purity of our relationship: we’re loving someone the wrong way. Rule #1: Only be in relationships, you’re 100% into. Whomever you love deserves 100% of your heart. Most important: don’t make a relationship halfway. Don’t get involved in one unless…

The search for a loving partner is one of our great life tasks. Yet most dating advice is gratingly superficial, focusing endlessly upon the power of seduction and tight glutes. Here are three exercises that approach dating as an adventure of self-discovery. They are eye-opening and fun, and they will help you grow in self-respect while opening up new possibilities in your dating life. At a time when I had become particularly sick of my failure-ridden dating life, I began to ask friends for tips and help. I was finally concluding that I would always remain miserably unsuccessful in the finer skills of seduction. It was time to stop trying…

Fear of intimacy isn’t a character flaw rendering us unfit for intimacy; it is part of being human. If we’re breathing, we have fear of intimacy. The real question is: How do we keep love at arm’s length, and what can we do to change that? Addressing this two-part question is perhaps the most direct path to greater happiness. The Harvard Grant Study provides an extraordinary vantage point from which to explore these issues. This study is one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies of human development ever undertaken. Although limited in its participant pool (all of its subjects are male Harvard graduates) its findings are stunning in their clarity and simplicity. George Vaillant, director…

Most dating advice focuses on the skills of seeking, not the skills of loving. Apps, events, and websites offer endless opportunities for meeting, but until we learn how to choose healthy intimacy and nurture its tender new shoots, it’s unlikely we’ll find the love we seek. When we approach our search for love as an intimacy journey, not as a race against time or a search for a needle in a haystack, everything changes. As I describe in my upcoming book Deeper Dating, I spent decades in search of a relationship, clocking incalculable hours looking for love in places that lacked love, using methods that had little to do with love. Play it cool. Act witty. Conceal all…

Often, the questions we ask of ourselves are what finally carve the shape of our lives. A great question excites us, opens new doors, and invites both compassion and curiosity. I’d like to offer two such questions about sex. Your answers will teach you rich lessons about your sex life—and more. These two questions are simple. In fact, they are obvious. They are also gentle, yet, like so many gentle things, they have the power to change us deeply. (Perhaps this is why we spend so much time avoiding them!) However, as with any real adventure, the first consideration is safety. Please read the caveats at the end of this…