The 12 Stages of Having Married Sex, as Told by a Guy

MONTH 6: When you eventually give up on trying to juggle work, social life, family events, and daily boning. Eventually, you realize you have to compromise. It’ll start to taper off. Maybe you have a busy week and you’re exhausted, or just a ton of weekend plans. Your post-wedding sex blitz comes to an end. It was a good run though.

MONTH 7: Welcome to your regularly scheduled sex life. This is real married life. It’s different for each couple: Maybe it’s every other day, or even once a week. Eventually, you’ll fall into a natural rhythm that you’re happy with. Yes, seriously. I promise.

MONTH 9: The brutal torture that is your first sex drought. Maybe you went away on business or got too sick to have sex, which is a real problem. Suddenly, you find yourselves really not having sex, and that’s a bummer.

YEAR 1: RELEASE THE FLOODGATES. The sex drought is over. The savannas are once again kissed by rain, or whatever euphemism you use for sex-having. You hit the next week with a passion. You think it’s weird having the flu is as invigorating to your sex life as getting married, but you push that to the back of your mind.

YEAR 1 AND 2 MONTHS: We now return to your post-post-drought regular sex schedule. Yeah, this is confusing terminology, but eventually you get back into your old sex habits.

YEAR 1.5: The discovery that going somewhere else makes you want to have sex constantly. Maybe it’s the new environment on vacation or maybe it’s the fact that room service changes the sheets nightly. It might not be as sex-crazy as your honeymoon, but you still go nuts on each other.

YEAR 2: You’ve reached marriage equilibrium and the circle begins again. Like the circle of life, and also the water cycle, the married sex life cycle begins again, renewed, with crazy at-home sex.

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