The 12 Stages of Having Married Sex, as Told by a Guy

DAY 1: That wedding night sex where it’s either completely amazing, or you don’t bother and just go to sleep. It’s your wedding night, which means either you’ve been looking forward to this for a really long time, or you’ve already had so much sex and you’re so exhausted from your wedding day, you just like, “LOL, we can do it in the morning.” It’s OK. Lots of married couples do that. But if this is your first time having sex, you’re running on pure adrenaline and curiosity. Also, congratulations on having sex!

DAYS 2–10: Honeymoon sex. “Honeymoon” is code for “boning a lot somewhere cool and maybe we rode Jet-Skis once.” The only reason people ever sightsee or go to the beach on their honeymoon is because they need to give their junk a break. Honeymoon sex is pretty much as good as it gets.

MONTH 2: Married at-home sex. When you first get back from your honeymoon, you’re still in honeymoon sex mode, except at home. “We’re so married!” you scream during your orgasms.

MONTH 3: Exploratory at-home wild sex. To be fair, this one only applies if you didn’t live together previously, but you start exploring the fact that you don’t have to just have sex in the bedroom. You have sex in the shower. You have sex on the sink. Then you’re like, “Hey, let’s go check out the kitchen … and fuck in it.” Then this happens with every room.

MONTH 4: Your first “we missed one day of sex” sex. The first time you miss a day of sex as a married couple, you’re in a panic. “We’re not going to be one of those couples that never has sex!” You scream as you hurriedly strip your clothes off. It’s going to be OK though.

More on next page…