18 Tweets That Hilariously Capture The Experience Of Married Sex

There comes a point in every marriage where one of you becomes the IT guy during sex:

“Did you try jiggling it? MOVE I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”

— Blinky McBlinksalot (@nagunnatelya) May 20, 2015

I’m best at sex when I’m a little ragey so for foreplay, we watch a few episodes of House Hunters.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 20, 2016

*has sex with bedroom door unlocked*
*adds thrill seeker to resume*

— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) December 10, 2014

Wife: I bet an area rug would look nice in the living room

Me:…

W: You don’t agree?

M: Can we talk about it when we’re not having sex?

— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) May 9, 2016

*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*

— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 23, 2015

[after sex]
may I interest you in a snack? *motions to incredibly extensive cheese platter on nightstand*

— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) April 29, 2016

I can’t release my sex tapes because the audio is just kids shouting, “Mom, can I have a snack?” through a locked door.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 3, 2015

Unseasonably warm weather is like impromptu sex – welcome, but, like, don’t expect my legs to be shaved.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 8, 2016

 

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