Should I Get a Divorce? 15 Questions to Ask Yourself

Last updated October 21, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.

Whether you should get a divorce depends on questions only you can answer: Is your marriage safe? Is there still respect and willingness on both sides? Have you tried to change what’s broken? Can you imagine a future that feels livable if you stay, and one that feels livable if you leave? This guide offers 15 questions to help you think clearly, signs that point toward staying, signs that point toward leaving, and steps to take before deciding.

It can’t decide for you, and it isn’t legal or professional advice. If you’re unsure, that’s normal. Wanting clarity is a good reason to slow down and get support.

At a glance

• Safety first: if you’re afraid of your spouse, talk to a domestic violence advocate before anything else.
• Don’t decide in a crisis: big decisions made in the heat of a fight or the first days after a betrayal are often regretted.
• Try before you decide: counseling, including short-term discernment counseling, can bring clarity.
• Ask the hard questions below, ideally with a therapist.

First, safety

If your spouse has been violent, threatening, controlling or frightening, this isn’t a question to think through alone, and couples counseling may not be safe. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org (24/7, free, confidential). Call 911 in an emergency. If someone may monitor your devices, use a safer phone or computer. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, so planning with an advocate matters.

Is this normal?

Yes. Many people ask this question at some point, often more than once. Thinking about divorce doesn’t mean you’re a bad spouse or that you’ve already decided. It may mean something needs to change. Our guides to what to do when you don’t love your husband anymore and signs your marriage is in trouble may help you sort out what you’re feeling.

15 questions to ask yourself

1. Am I safe? Physically and emotionally.
2. Is there abuse, addiction or ongoing betrayal? Those change the picture.
3. What exactly is wrong? Name it. Communication? Trust? Intimacy? Values? Something else?
4. Has it been a pattern or a phase? Stress, a new baby or a hard year can pass. Long-standing contempt rarely does.
5. Have we tried to fix it, through honest conversations and counseling?
6. Is my spouse willing to change? And am I?
7. Do I still respect them? Respect is hard to rebuild once it’s gone.
8. Do I still feel any care or hope? Or only exhaustion?
9. Am I thinking of leaving to escape something else, like a hard time, a job or my own unhappiness?
10. Is there another person involved? Is that influencing my thinking?
11. What would I regret more, trying or not trying?
12. What do my values say? Faith, commitment, family and honesty may all matter.
13. How would divorce affect children, finances and my daily life? Not to scare you, but to be realistic.
14. Can I picture a good life on either path? What does staying look like in five years if nothing changes?
15. What would I tell a close friend in my situation?

Signs that may point toward staying and working on it

• Both of you still care and want it to work.
• Problems are fixable, like communication, workload or connection.
• There is respect, honesty and no abuse.
• You’ve had good times, and you can imagine them again.
• You haven’t yet tried counseling or serious change.

See how to save your marriage and how to bring the spark back.

Signs that may point toward leaving

• Abuse, violence, threats or coercive control.
• Ongoing deception or repeated betrayal with no accountability.
• Contempt, humiliation or constant criticism that never changes.
• One partner refuses to engage, even after repeated attempts.
• Your wellbeing, or your children’s, is being harmed.
• You’ve done real work, including counseling, and still feel no care or hope.

See relationship red flags.

His side, her side

The spouse thinking of leaving: “I’m exhausted and unsure. I feel guilty, and I don’t know whether I’m giving up too soon or hanging on too long.”

The spouse who wants to stay: “I’m scared and confused. I’d do almost anything to make it work, but I don’t know what my spouse wants.”

Honest, calm conversation, ideally with support, helps both people.

What to do before you decide

1. Take care of yourself. Sleep, food, movement and support.
2. Talk to someone neutral. A therapist is better than someone with an agenda.
3. Consider discernment counseling, a short-term option for couples who are unsure. See discernment counseling.
4. Try couples counseling, if you’re safe and both are willing. See our marriage counselor guide.
5. Get information, not just opinions. A lawyer or financial advisor can explain realistic options, without committing you.
6. Avoid big irreversible moves in the heat of a fight.
7. Give a defined effort period, such as six months of real work, then reassess.

If infidelity is involved, read should I stay after infidelity? and how to get over infidelity.

If you decide to leave

See our guides to how to tell your spouse you want a divorce, things to know before divorce and staying together for the children. Talk to a lawyer about your location’s laws, and plan for support.

What to say (and what not to say)

Try:

• “I’m struggling and I’m not sure what to do. I’d like us to get help figuring it out.”
• “I’m not ready to decide, but I can’t keep going like this.”

Avoid:

• Threatening divorce as a weapon.
• Deciding in the middle of an argument.
• Making major decisions based on advice from people with an agenda.

When it’s a bigger problem

Get help right away if:

• You’re afraid of your spouse. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, or call 911.
• You feel hopeless or are thinking of harming yourself. Call or text 988.
• Addiction is involved. SAMHSA’s helpline is 1-800-662-4357.
• You can’t sleep, eat or function. See a doctor or therapist.

This article is general information, not legal, financial or professional advice.

Want more on this topic? See our guide to marriages in trouble.

Frequently asked questions

How do I know if I should get a divorce?

Consider safety, respect, willingness to change on both sides, whether you’ve tried to fix it, and what life looks like on each path. A therapist can help you think it through.

Is it normal to be unsure about divorce?

Yes. Many people go back and forth. A short-term option such as discernment counseling can help you gain clarity.

What should I do before filing for divorce?

Take care of your wellbeing, get support, consider counseling, learn your options from a lawyer and plan for safety and finances.