How Flirting with a Stranger Improved me and my Marriage

I couldn’t understand what was not clear enough about my no or why someone would continue to pursue a woman who was so clearly not available or interested.

Maybe none of this is shocking to you, dear reader. Maybe you’ve turned down countless advances from men. Maybe you think it’s audacious that I was talking to and being friendly to a man who wasn’t my husband. Maybe you wonder why I didn’t just block him and leave it at that.

Why didn’t I? Because I was learning a lesson. Speaking an important truth. Owning my power in a way I hadn’t before.

Maybe everything I said totally went over his head and he thought I was crazy-making, or maybe he learned something, too. Either way, I honored myself and I found a truth in this all that has strengthened me, strengthened my marriage, and gave me an important perspective on “flirting” when married.

Here’s how the conversation went down. Yes, I literally wrote this to a stranger:

Me: If you were confused about what I do in my coaching work or why… I guess you know now. A confident, embodied woman (and I suppose it applies to men as well) is in an entirely different energy, vibration, and way of being. I’m not sure what you expected to happen.

Him: Not sure what I expected to happen, I just felt there was some type of chemistry that was unambiguously very real. It wasn’t a normal situation for me either, but there was an intoxicating attractive energy to you. Did you feel anything?

Me: I’m not sure what the point of answering the question is. You felt something. So, what does that mean to you? Why is that important to you? Is there something you were able to create within yourself in my presence that hadn’t happened before? Had you given yourself the freedom/permission to express something new? Those are fun questions… Rhetorical – I don’t need the answers, but they seem relevant, especially if you did feel it was unusual.

Whether I had said yes or no wouldn’t have changed anything for me. Whatever I feel, I create. If I’m having fun, enjoying myself, enjoying another person, feel interested in someone’s personality, feel interesting myself, am acknowledged for being attractive, flirt with someone – which is really quite simply just being freely myself – then those are all good feelings and yes, I like them. I like to play and create chemistry. I suppose that’s what I feel life is about. What fun is life if there’s never any excitement, play, art, or vulnerability?

That all said, I also choose every day to love and be devoted to creating the most amazing connection – on every level – that I can with my husband. I don’t wear my wedding ring because I don’t need a token or a symbol to validate my commitment to him. I can tell him about this conversation with you or let him read a Facebook message thread and he will be completely unbothered. If anything, he’s grateful because he probably receives most of the benefit of me being lit up by who I am and expressing that freely.

I love who I am and if anything, I would guess this is what you found so attractive. What is it about me or about that that you can bring into your own life, into yourself? I’ve chosen to be unavailable to other men outside of my marriage, so what will you go and do with your experience? I hope you’ll use it to live more fully in some way.

I encourage you to take these questions and use them in your own inner work as you interact with people in your life – of the same or opposite sex. What is it that creates chemistry in your life? How will you remain in your power on either side of this scenario to create healthy relationships? How can you use your relationships to strengthen who you are and live more fully in some way?

One last little note – my husband was privy to this entire scenario as it played out at the coffee shop. I never hid my experience from him and, in fact, it brought up some really great topics for us to discuss. He also was the beneficiary of me feeling fully in my power and acknowledging my own magnetism…if you catch my drift. I believe that when we detach from the emotions of jealousy, fear, and control and put down the societal taboos and should-nots (like “flirting” with someone when we’re married) we can learn so much, make our own empowered choices, and come out better for it in the end.

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