Debunking the Myth of the Sex-Starved Father
Echoing Dr. Laura, Wells also raises the possibility that modern moms and dads are getting it on mainly to kick back against myth that new parents never have sex. In that case, she advises that it would be in parents’ best interests to keep the lie alive. “That misconception may be fostering more intentional sexual intimacy among parenting couples,” she says. Call it a happy accident.
“There is some truth that couples with children have less sex than couples without, but not as much as our culture perpetuates,” concurs Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a psychologist and marriage counselor, who was not involved in the study. Fisher adds that, just because a new parent’s body seems poorly outfitted for sex doesn’t mean his or her physiology is turned off. Indeed, the sleep deprivation and low testosterone that should be killing parents’ sex lives can, at least in rare cases, bring it to the fore. “Sleep deprivation can induce hypomania symptoms for those who have that genetic predisposition and that could increase their sex drive,” he says.
Berman raises a much more flattering theory as to why parent advantage exists, despite outdated assumptions—Dads are getting better at their jobs. Research shows that more equitable parenting arrangements are becoming the norm. Studies also suggest that men who embrace this over outdated gender roles have more sex and generally better relationships. “Women are in many ways the sexual gatekeepers,” Berman says. “If he takes the time to help her clean the kitchen, she’ll feel supported.”
For Berman, the stickier myth–the one that came before the idea of the celibate parent and will be harder to blow up–is that a good relationship and sex life don’t take work. Both do, and parents have at least one major additional reason to put the time in.
