7 Tips For Keeping Married Sex Awesome
SPEAKING OF WHICH: GIVE IT A GO, EVEN WHEN YOU AREN’T IN THE MOOD.
I am NOT suggesting that you should resentfully lie back and hum “Rule, Britannia!” but for many people, the mood arrives once you start kissing and touching, not always before. Try saying yes more than you say no. Consistently rejecting your partner is not a great way to foster intimacy; if you’ve ever been on the rejected end, it does a number on your self-esteem and sense of sexual-desirableness, making you feel that much more vulnerable the next time. Also: initiate! Make sure it’s not just one partner who always gets things going. On the other hand, make sure your partner knows when you really need it to be off the table. When you want to cuddle with no underlying pressure.
MAKING THE BEDROOM SEX-FRIENDLY—AND CONVERSELY, NOT LIMITING SEXUAL ACTIVITY TO THE BEDROOM.
What works for us: clean, high-thread-count sheets; no family photos (ruins the mood for me); soft, flattering lighting (i.e. lamps vs. overhead bulb); keeping clutter to a minimum; having supplies easily accessible; no television or video games or laptops allowed. I know this last is often contested, but we’ve found it makes a big difference when we don’t have technology distracting us (we all know the internet can be a huge time-suck).
DISCUSS SEX—EXPLICITLY—WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Often. Preferably over a glass of wine or a plate of chocolate chip cookies or in some other relaxed environment, not immediately before he/she strips off their underwear or in the middle of a fight. Remember that there are other forms of intimacy and that these can satisfy, in place of sex… but also don’t underestimate how fundamental an active sex life might be for either you or your partner. Keep an open mind, try new things with enthusiasm.
Again, I have no idea if we’ll carry on this way. However, if things slow down, it won’t change our commitment to the relationship; sex is important to us, but it’s not the only reason we’ve pledged to go through life together.
So why am I writing? I guess because I want people to know that a married/committed sex life does not have to follow the dominant cultural narrative. A lot of that is based on lore from eras when women weren’t even expected to find “conjugal duties” enjoyable, let alone pursue them outside of marriage. A time when homosexual men and women were supposed to suppress their urges and settle down with an appropriate mate of the opposite sex, even if the idea was sexually repellent. A time when a man keeping at least one mistress was assumed and hardly newsworthy. Times have changed; let’s change the narrative! Or at least widen it to include those of us who enjoy long-term monogamous sex, despite the occasional challenges.
