7 Tips for Keeping Married Sex Awesome (Even Years In)
Last updated October 21, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.
Have you ever heard the “Bean Jar” theory of married sex?
Before you get married, buy a big glass jar and a big bag of beans. Every time you have sex during your first year of marriage, drop a bean in the jar. Starting in year two, every time you have sex, take one bean out.
The punchline: the jar will never be empty in your lifetime.
Dubious math aside, “theories” like this scared the h*ll out of me before I got married. Attraction was a big part of why I started dating my partner in the first place, and I’d heard plenty of real stories about marriages that drifted into “just friends,” roommates, or business partners. Is it actually possible to keep sexual chemistry alive for years, even decades?
Honestly? I can’t promise you it is. But I can tell you what’s worked for us.
My partner and I have been together for six years, and we’re still doing our best to empty that jar. We’re in our late twenties with no kids yet, so I know life may change things. But so far our sex life has been one of the best parts of our relationship, and for once I’m going to (anonymously!) own it.
I’m not saying this to brag. Research generally puts the average married couple at roughly once a week, with younger couples higher and a meaningful share of couples going months without. Married sex gets a pretty bad rap, and you almost never hear anyone say that long-term, committed, monogamous sex can be great. I want to say it.
One important note before the list: if you and your partner are both happy with how often you have sex, even if that’s rarely, that’s fantastic. Don’t let anyone else’s idea of “enough” pressure you. And if one of you is unhappy, the causes can be psychological or physical (hormonal birth control, medications, stress, health changes), so it’s worth talking to a doctor or therapist rather than guessing.
Here’s what I think keeps our sex life fun. Most of it comes down to what sex columnist Dan Savage calls being “GGG”: Good, Giving, and Game.
The 7 tips at a glance
- Have similar sex drives (or talk honestly about the gap).
- Both commit to making sex a priority.
- Make time for it, mentally and physically.
- Cut yourself and your partner some slack.
- Give it a go, even when you’re not quite in the mood.
- Make the bedroom sex-friendly (and don’t limit yourselves to it).
- Talk about sex, explicitly and often.
1. Similar sex drives
This one is huge, and partly out of your control. A real mismatch in libido can be very hard to resolve in a long-term monogamous relationship, and it can shift over time: after having kids, during menopause, after an injury or illness. I was a virgin when we met, so I had no idea what to expect.
If you’re not waiting until your wedding night, it’s worth paying honest attention to this before making a lifetime commitment, because a mismatch rarely fixes itself. If you’re already married and facing a gap, see our guide on handling mismatched sex drives without fighting.
2. Both partners make sex a priority
For us, a healthy, satisfying sex life is a cornerstone of the relationship, and we both see it that way. That shared view matters more than any technique. I’m not a big fan of scheduling sex because it takes some of the fun out of seduction, but if the alternative is never getting around to it, put it on the calendar.
3. Make time for it, mentally and physically
Physically, that might mean closing the laptop and pausing the show you always fall asleep to. It might mean getting up a little earlier on weekends. (I won’t pretend to know how this works with small kids. I’m told it’s a whole other level of difficult.)
Mentally, it means making room to actually think about sex. When life is stressful, desire gets buried under everything else. A few things that help:
- When you have five spare minutes, let yourself remember an especially good night together.
- Swap your usual bedtime book for something steamier. There’s plenty of well-written erotica and romance out there, in print and on audio.
- Build a shared playlist of songs that put you both in the mood, and play it while you cook dinner together. Bonus points for dancing.
- Do whatever puts you in touch with your sexy side, whether that’s a candlelit bath, a favorite outfit, a workout, or wandering around the house naked. Figure out what works for you.
4. Cut yourself (and your partner) some slack
Everyone has off days, weeks, even months. Don’t compare your frequency to other couples. Focus on what works for the two of you.
Real-life sex can be awkward and funny. You’ll fall over taking off your pants, bump heads, make strange noises. It doesn’t need to look like a movie scene, and it doesn’t need to last an hour to be good sex. It’s okay if one or both of you doesn’t finish every time. Widen your idea of what “sex” includes, and don’t wait for perfect conditions.
5. Give it a go, even when you’re not in the mood
I am not saying you should grit your teeth and go through the motions. But for many people, desire shows up after the kissing and touching starts, not before. So try saying yes a little more often than no.
Repeated rejection is hard on intimacy. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end, you know how much it can sting. So initiate, too, and make sure it isn’t always the same person getting things started. Just as important, make sure your partner knows when you genuinely need sex to be off the table and simply want to cuddle with no pressure.
6. Make the bedroom sex-friendly (and don’t limit yourselves to it)
What works for us: clean, soft sheets; no family photos staring at us; flattering lamp light instead of the overhead bulb; minimal clutter; supplies within easy reach; and no TV, phones, or laptops in bed. That last one gets debated, but keeping screens out has made a noticeable difference for us. And remember the bedroom isn’t the only room in the house.
7. Talk about sex, explicitly and often
Have these conversations somewhere relaxed, over a glass of wine or a plate of cookies, not in the middle of a fight or right before clothes come off. Talk about what you like, what you’re curious about, and what you’d rather skip. Keep an open mind and try new things with enthusiasm.
Remember too that there are other forms of intimacy that matter, but don’t underestimate how important an active sex life may be to you or your partner. If you need a place to start, try these tips to reawaken intimacy in your marriage.
The bottom line
I have no idea whether we’ll keep this pace forever, and if things slow down, it won’t change our commitment. Sex matters to us, but it isn’t the only reason we’ve chosen to go through life together.
I wrote this because married sex doesn’t have to follow the gloomy script we’ve all been handed. A lot of that script comes from eras when women weren’t expected to enjoy sex at all, when gay men and women were pushed into marriages that didn’t fit them, and when a husband keeping a mistress barely raised an eyebrow. Times have changed. Let’s change the story too, or at least make room in it for those of us who are happily, enthusiastically, monogamously still at it.
Curious how you compare? Read how long most married couples go without sex, or get ideas for keeping the seduction alive.
Want more on this topic? See our guide to intimacy and sex in marriage.
Frequently asked questions
How do you keep sex good in a long marriage?
Make it a priority, talk openly about what you want, go easy on each other, and keep some novelty and playfulness alive.
How often should married couples have sex?
There is no ideal number. Many couples settle around weekly, but what matters is that both partners feel satisfied and connected.
What if one of us wants sex more than the other?
That is very common. Talk without blame, look for a middle ground, and consider a counselor or sex therapist if it keeps causing conflict.
