When Her Words Hurt, that’s when you Need to Stop Listening to What She is Saying
Early in our relationship, I frequently got things reversed. I didn’t take the task requests very seriously and instead I interpreted what she said in anger literally. I held onto her words as a judgment of my manhood, my husbanding, and my fatherhood. I allowed the wounds to fester and resented her for what she said… after all, she said it!
Relationships can hurt… and yes, love can sometimes suck! Forgiveness is an essential skill to keep your relationship healthy, whether you are a couple, close friends or coworkers. But forgiveness is not giving permission for the other person to continue hurting you. Remaining in situations of abuse can scar a person emotionally and physically. In these situations, finding support is essential and the best way to ensure your safety may be to leave.
| In relationships, simple requests are not usually simple. Emotions get involved and expectations can transform a decision into a drama. Pain can change your perspective. |
Learning to be safe in a relationship is a key part of relationship health. But, from my experience, we can be overly vigilant to words and emotions that may hurt us. One skill I have had to learn is to not take heat-of-the-moment comments literally or personally. When I take things literally, it not only created resentment, but also contributed to my mind’s self-critical, narrow, black and white, and rigid thoughts. In pain, I pushed her away. I fell into depression and isolated myself. I overate as a way to cope with my emotions. After a while, we would reconcile but my resentment created distance and deep currents of hurt.
In order to love my wife and even myself, I have had to learn to let things go and not take words so literally.
Nine things have helped me to soften my tendency to take words too literally:
- Give the other person the benefit of the doubt
- Remind yourself of their heart, how they treat you when you are getting along better
- Acknowledge that what they have said hurts, but also acknowledge that they also say (and do) many other kind things
- Admit that you also can say things that hurt your partner
- Practice self-compassion and accept your many emotions, thoughts and experiences – even if they are at times difficult
- Step back. Recognize that little in life is permanent: Moods change, hurt heals, misunderstandings will usually get cleared up. Be aware of what I call the Literal Trap: seeing only the negative, dark or rigid things that your mind will say and assume that what the other person has said is FOREVER. Recognize that in a working relationship, both of you want good things for yourself and for the other person.
- Remember that words are rarely forever. When you act on your values, that is more lasting. Ask yourself: Does the other person acknowledge what they have done to contribute to the relationship issues? How do they treat you? What positive efforts do they make to invest in the relationship, in their own recovery or healing?
- Be realistic and work to change what you can. Pointing fingers and blame never helps your relationship. It creates judgment and contributes to rigid thinking.
- Ask her. I have been surprised, often months later (unfortunately), when I finally worked up the courage to talk to my wife about something she said. Often she cannot even remember saying it, or she admits that she didn’t mean it, or I realize that I have over-interpreted what she said.
| Moods change, hurt heals, misunderstandings will usually get cleared up. Be aware of what I call the Literal Trap: seeing only the negative, dark or rigid things that your mind will say and assume that what the other person has said is FOREVER. |
Carrying emotional hurt, assumptions and unexpressed pain can add unnecessary and unhelpful barriers to our relationship. Learning to treat ourselves, our partners, our children and our relationships with self-compassion can help us to live more of the life that we want to live.
At times, fear of rejection has prevented me from being present in my marriage and many of my relationships. But I have learned that the more that we protect ourselves and isolate, the smaller our world will become. You may be safe, but you will occupy a small and limited emotional space.
Being in love means that you need to be open and let love ebb and flow. Feelings of love may temporarily vanish. Healthy relationships learn to manage conflicts, but also the emotional undercurrents. The only way that you will experience love is to risk NOT being loved. To love means that you face the possibility of rejection, of scorn, of hurt, of misunderstanding. Listening past the words and understanding the other person’s heart is the key to a lasting relationship.
If you enjoyed this article, you will want to check out some of my other work:
10 Rules that Guarantee Unhappiness in Your Work and Your Relationships
Do You Know How High Expectations Will Hurt Your Well-being?
Dust May be Killing Your Relationships
I write articles about wellness, leadership, parenting and personal growth. My hope is to deliver the best content I can to inspire, to inform and to entertain. Sign up for my blog if you want to receive the latest and best of my writing. If you like what I have to say, please share my work with your friends.
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