Nonverbal Behavior That May Damage Your Marriage

Touch

Haptics research has long supported the advantages of human touch. Physically, touch can help decrease blood pressure, heart rate, and mental stress. Emotionally, touch provides support and encouragement in times of grief as well as in times of joy. However, as touch can be almost electric, used improperly or in vain, an individual receiving the touch may interpret it in a manner unintended by the giver, sometimes inadvertently exhibiting emotional and sexual feelings.

Your hand left indefinitely on the arm of an opposite sex colleague or co-worker during a conversation in your office may communicate emotional or sexual messages that you would never dream of communicating with them verbally, let alone nonverbally. Consistency with this may cause you or the person you’re touching to exhibit feelings or desires, meant exclusively for your spouse. If this happens to you, and you’re on the receiving end, you may begin to compromise on giving to your spouse emotionally or sexually. Marital detachment can occur, with something as trivial as consistent bodily touch.

Equally important, if you’re not the one connecting with the opposite sex through touch, that certainly does not mean they aren’t connecting with you. Remember, just as with other nonverbal behaviors, the full interpretation of your behavior is left up to the one on the receiving end.

So what can you do? Monitor your touch when talking with the opposite sex. Make mental notes of how often touch accompanies your words. Also, make note of their behavior when you touch, after you touch, and later on after the conversation concludes. If you notice they become increasingly friendly/flirtatious, you may need to adjust your own behavior, or even have a conversation with them to let them in on the unintentional messages sent, and then potentially even apologizing for sending those unintended signals.

Time spent in private text communication

Think of private text communication equivalent to a conversation happening in your locked bedroom, without your spouse. Just as there may exist temptation in your bedroom to say or do things that would cause you great guilt, not to mention devastate your marriage, there exists equal temptation to say or do things in a private text communication that you wouldn’t otherwise say to someone of the opposite sex face-to-face. Time is a behavior that can be manipulated nonverbally and in a digital setting such as text, the ability to formulate a relational attachment with someone skyrockets due to the false sense of privacy and security, which can encourage disclosure of feelings and desires.

Just as detachment would occur if you were to apply double-sided duct tape to the bumper of your car, and try to attach the bumper of another car to it, then drive each car in the opposite direction, expecting the duct-tape to keep attached the two cars, so is the illusion of remaining attached to your spouse if you try to give to another emotionally or sexually.

Time communicates; it can be innocent or it can potentially communicate desire, both through emotions and sexual topics. Either way, consistent text communication with the opposite sex says, “I really enjoy talking with you.” This can either be innocently interpreted or dangerously misinterpreted.

Research often shows that texting between a married person with someone of the opposite sex, exhibiting potential characteristics of extramarital attachment, whether emotional or sexual, may take upwards of a week, but in some cases, taking only a few conversations. Numbers are inconsistent to say with definitiveness which end of the time spectrum attachment occurs the most. What is clear, however, in much of this research, where emotional and sexual communication was exhibited in text communication, though the two in the conversation were attaching, the married party was often detaching from their spouse. Either way, the longer that text communication lasts, the higher probability you are of discussing topics that typically are reserved for marriage.

As we’ve discussed, as you increase your private text communication with someone other than your spouse, chatting about feelings and desires, whether slowly or quickly attaching to that other person, you most likely will decrease feelings and desires for your spouse, detaching from them over time. It’s impossible to give 100 percent of yourself relationally to your spouse and simultaneously give of yourself 100 percent relationally to someone other than your spouse.

You may be thinking, “My spouse will never find out.” But think on this: Although you personally may be able to avoid connecting outside of a text setting while discussing feelings and desires with someone of the opposite sex through text, you cannot guarantee that the individual on the other end of that conversation, whether single or married, are in the same boat of self-control. You actually may find yourself in a marital predicament; that is, that person may disclose to your spouse your inappropriate texts, or equally as devastating, if you have connected with someone through text, you may then find that you have lost relational interest in your spouse.

So what can you do? This is a rebellious, counter-culture, hyper-critical comment-thread declaration: Avoid private text conversations with the opposite sex at all costs. At. All. Costs. Don’t even go there. Exercising self-control in these settings is tricky. That is, though you think your the master of self-control, consider this: self-control in psychology tells us that humans’ capacity to do so is limited: in other words, we like to reward ourselves for good behavior (e.g. “I’ve never exchanged emotional or sexual texts with the opposite sex, so this one time won’t hurt a thing) Communications like these are slippery slopes. It is very hard to monitor your (and the other’s) subtle emotional messages when sending and receiving private texts. It is equally hard to avoid temptation when smack-dab in the middle of these consistent conversations. When you spend time talking with someone through text privately, it is easy to send mixed signals, whether emotional or sexual. It’s just as easy to find yourself wanting to have these conversations. Know your limits and even your capabilities for extramarital behavior, and live above reproach.

Overall, have an ongoing discussion with your spouse about nonverbal communication expectations and guidelines with the opposite sex. Collective marital guidelines should be established in a marriage relationship, and in this digital age of communication, should extend beyond face-to-face interactions. Just as you may have guidelines and expectations for respecting your spouse verbally with the opposite sex, you should have a similar conversation with how you both will monitor your nonverbals as you speak with them, too.

Check your heart

Finally, check the status of your heart. Does your marital commitment entail explicit expectations for honoring and respecting your spouse, or are those expectations loosey-goosey, take them as they come? Being a part of your collective, married relationship requires strategic and intentional living, similar to the strategy and intentionality you had as a single person once, maybe pursuing endeavors such as your education, vocation, or career. Strategy and intentionality in human relationships encompass all ways in which we communicate both verbally and nonverbally. To honor and respect your spouse completely, you must respect them with your words and actions, until death do you part.