I Talked To 1400 Strangers About Their Sex Lives. Here’s What I Learned.
5. Partnerships are constantly being redefined.
Defining the relationship (DTR) is generally a conversation centered around two questions: What are we and where is this going?
Traditionally, the answers to these questions tend to point to things such as “we’re boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife” and “we’re working towards a long-term commitment and possibly a family.”
The problem with these questions and answers is that they don’t clearly define how we plan to serve our partnership, and how we need it to serve us in return. This generates a lot of poor assumptions around commitment, communication, sex, and more.
Instead, the better questions when defining the relationship are “What can I count on you for?” and “What do you need?”
These questions can and should be revisited regularly.
Answers to these questions may range from things like monogamy, a weekly date night, or candid conversation when I feel something is wrong.
Being truthful about these things seems to be integral when working towards cultivating space and safety.
We are constantly defining and redefining our partnerships. It seems best to do it consciously, honestly, and with the intention of getting closer.
6. Masturbation is more than touch and go.
I used to think that masturbation was squarely at the intersection of I’m alone and I’m horny. But as we touched the subject over and over again, I realized that masturbation is incredibly nuanced, and serves a variety of purposes for people in addition to having an orgasm.
People shared stories of masturbating to release stress, to tap into creative energy, or to distract themselves from physical pain. Some people masturbate in public because the possibility of getting caught turns them on. Some people fantasize about current lovers, while others exclusively fantasize about former flings. Some use toys, some use shower heads. One woman shared a story about masturbating to videos of herself masturbating.
In general, there is a lot of shame and denial around masturbation. But when we make it safe to talk about, the way humans explore themselves can be a fascinating window into their self-esteem, creativity, and needs.
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