Funny Wedding Quotes and Wishes for Cards and Toasts

Last updated October 21, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.

Funny marriage quotes for wedding cards work best when they tease marriage itself, not the couple, and end on a warm note. Below you’ll find 40 funny wedding quotes and wishes: lines for cards, toasts, the bride, the groom, and the couple. A couple of classics are credited; the rest are Marriage Bliss originals that you can copy freely. Tip: follow any joke with one sincere sentence so your card makes them laugh and feel loved.

At a glance

• Best overall card line: “Congratulations on finding the one person you’ll happily share the remote with. Mostly.”
• Best toast opener: Rita Rudner’s line about finding one special person to annoy.
• Safe for every audience: the “For the couple” section.
• Formula: funny line + a sincere wish + your name.

1. Classic funny wedding quotes

1. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
2. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller

2. Funny wedding wishes for the couple

3. Congratulations on finding the one person you’ll happily share the remote with. Mostly.
4. Wishing you a lifetime of love, laughter, and agreeing on where to eat in under 10 minutes.
5. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever. And may your Wi-Fi always be strong.
6. Here’s to a marriage full of love, inside jokes, and two separate blankets.
7. Congratulations! You’ve officially found someone to blame for everything.
8. Wishing you a long, happy marriage and a dishwasher you both agree on how to load.
9. May your arguments be few and your takeout orders be accurate.
10. Cheers to love, laughter, and happily ever after… after you find the car keys.
11. Marriage: the only time it’s romantic to argue over the thermostat for 50 years.
12. May the love you share today grow stronger, and may your joint bank account stay friendly.
13. Congratulations on your wedding. Your adventure begins now, and so do the debates about thermostats.
14. Here’s to love that lasts longer than the wedding cake (which won’t be hard; we’re coming for the cake).

3. Funny wishes for the groom

15. Congratulations! Remember: “Yes, dear” is a complete sentence.
16. Welcome to marriage, where you’ll never win an argument again, and you’ll be happier for it.
17. You’ve been promoted to Official Jar Opener and Spider Removal Specialist.
18. Your bachelor days are over. Your nap-on-the-couch days are just getting started.
19. Best advice for a new husband: listen, nod, and know where the snacks are.
20. Congrats on marrying someone way out of your league. Don’t let her find out.

4. Funny wishes for the bride

21. Congratulations on finding a man who’ll eat your cooking and pretend he likes it.
22. You’ve officially found your forever “Where’s my…?” helper.
23. May your husband learn the location of the laundry basket within the first year.
24. He’s all yours now. No returns, no exchanges, but lifetime warranty.
25. Congrats! You now have someone to warm your ice-cold feet on, forever.
26. You married your best friend, and also someone who will ask what’s for dinner every night.

5. Funny wedding toast lines

27. To the couple: may you always be each other’s favorite person to text “Where are you?”
28. Marriage is like a long road trip. Pack snacks and let the other person choose the music sometimes.
29. May your love be like a good pair of jeans: comfortable, lasting, and a little stretchy after the holidays.
30. Here’s to the bride and groom: may your fights be short and your makeups be legendary.
31. Remember, the most important words in a marriage are “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” and “I already fed the dog.”
32. I’ve known the groom for years, and I’ve never seen him this happy. Or this well dressed.
33. To the happy couple: may you grow old together and fight over the thermostat forever.

6. Short, funny lines for wedding cards

34. “Officially stuck with each other. Congrats!”
35. “Love, laughter, and happily ever after (plus snacks).”
36. “Game over. Love won.”
37. “Mr. Right and Mrs. Always Right. Congratulations!”
38. “Best wishes on your lifelong sleepover.”
39. “Congrats on making it official. Now the real adventure begins.”
40. “Wishing you a love so strong even IKEA furniture can’t break it.”

How to write a funny wedding card

1. Start with a light joke from above that fits the couple.
2. Add one sincere sentence, like “I’ve loved watching you two become a team.”
3. Close with a warm wish for their future.

Avoid jokes about divorce, exes, weight, or anything that could embarrass the couple in front of family. For more laughs, see our marriage jokes and one-liners; for sweeter words, try quotes about being married. Planning the photos? Here are funny wedding photo ideas.

Need more options? See what to write in a wedding card.

Want more on this topic? See our guide to marriage humor, quotes and gifts.

Frequently asked questions

What is a funny thing to write in a wedding card?

Try “Congratulations on finding the one person you’ll happily share the remote with. Mostly,” followed by a sincere sentence about the couple.

Is it okay to put a joke in a wedding card?

Yes, as long as it’s kind and teases marriage in general rather than the couple. Pair it with a heartfelt wish.

What should you avoid in a funny wedding toast?

Skip jokes about exes, divorce, embarrassing secrets, or anything the couple’s grandparents would wince at.