Co-Parenting Tips: How to Raise Kids Together After a Split

Last updated October 22, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.

Good co-parenting means keeping your children’s needs ahead of your conflict with their other parent. The most effective co-parents keep communication businesslike and respectful, stay consistent about routines and rules where they can, never put children in the middle, use a clear written schedule and get outside help when they’re stuck. You don’t have to be friends with your ex. You do have to cooperate well enough to give your children stability.

This guide offers practical co-parenting tips, explains what to do and avoid, covers common problems such as communication, new partners, holidays and money, and outlines when to get help, including when co-parenting isn’t safe. It’s general information, not legal or professional advice. Custody and support laws vary by location, so talk to a family lawyer for your situation.

At a glance

• Core idea: children first, conflict second.
• Communication: brief, civil, about the kids, and in writing when it helps.
• Consistency: similar routines and expectations between homes help children feel secure.
• Never: use the children as messengers, spies or weapons.
• Safety: if there’s abuse or a safety risk, co-parenting looks different. Get legal and advocate support.

Is this normal?

Yes. Co-parenting after separation or divorce is hard for most people, because you’re dealing with a former partner while still managing hurt, anger and logistics. Many parents find it improves with time, clear structure and support. If you’re still deciding about the marriage, see should I get a divorce? and staying together for the children. If you’ve re-partnered, see blended family advice and stepparenting tips.

15 co-parenting tips

Communication

1. Keep it businesslike. Treat communication like a professional relationship: brief, polite and about the kids.
2. Use writing for logistics. Text, email or a co-parenting app creates a clear record. Keep it factual.
3. Don’t use the kids as messengers. Talk directly to the other parent.
4. Don’t argue in front of the children, or at handoffs.
5. Pause before responding. If a message makes you angry, wait before you answer.

Structure

6. Create a clear parenting plan. Schedules, holidays, transportation, school, medical care and decision-making.
7. Stay consistent where you can. Similar bedtimes, homework routines and key rules help.
8. Accept differences. Your homes can have different rules and styles, as long as children are safe and cared for.
9. Be flexible, within reason, and reliable. Be on time, and give notice of changes.
10. Share information. School events, health issues, activities and milestones.

Children’s wellbeing

11. Never criticize the other parent in front of the children. Children often feel criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves.
12. Support their relationship with the other parent, unless there’s a safety concern.
13. Reassure them. Children need to hear that they’re loved, it’s not their fault and they’re allowed to love both parents.
14. Listen to their feelings, without taking sides.
15. Take care of yourself. Your wellbeing affects theirs.

Common problems and what to try

• Constant conflict: use written communication, keep to the topic and consider a mediator or parenting coordinator.
• A new partner: introduce new partners slowly and respectfully, and be thoughtful about how you tell the other parent.
• Holidays and schedules: agree on a plan in advance, in writing.
• Money: handle child support and expenses through formal agreements. Keep a record, and don’t use money or visits as leverage.
• Different parenting styles: focus on the key issues and let the small ones go.
• One parent is unreliable: protect the child from disappointment, keep your own commitments and consider legal advice.
• The child resists transitions: keep routines predictable, and talk to the child’s doctor or a counselor if distress is severe.

His side, her side

One parent: “Every conversation turns into an argument, and I’m trying to protect my kids from it. I’m exhausted.”

The other parent: “I feel judged and shut out. I want to be a good parent and I’m afraid of losing time with my kids.”

Both are often hurting and afraid. Keeping the focus on the children can lower the temperature.

What to say (and what not to say)

Try:

• “Can we agree on a plan for the holiday schedule so the kids know what to expect?”
• “I’d like us to keep our focus on what’s best for them.”
• To the child: “You’re allowed to love both of us. Nothing about this is your fault.”

Avoid:

• “Tell your mother/father that…”
• “Your dad/mom doesn’t care about you.”
• Questioning the child about the other household.
• Reopening old arguments in messages about the kids.

Our guides to the rules for fighting fair and things to know before divorce offer more help.

When co-parenting isn’t safe

If the other parent has been abusive, controlling, threatening or violent, or you or your children are afraid, standard co-parenting advice may not apply. Ongoing contact can be a way for abuse to continue. Talk to a domestic violence advocate and a family lawyer about safety planning, parallel parenting (minimal contact), supervised exchanges or protective orders. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org (24/7, free, confidential). Call 911 in an emergency. For concerns about child abuse, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.

When it’s a bigger problem

Seek help if:

• Conflict is constant, or children show signs of distress, such as sleep problems, withdrawal, anger or declining school performance. A family therapist or child psychologist can help. Our marriage counselor guide can help you find support.
• A child talks about harming themselves, or you feel hopeless. Call or text 988.
• Substance use affects parenting. SAMHSA’s helpline is 1-800-662-4357.
• You need legal help with custody or support. A family law attorney or local legal aid can advise.

This article is general information, not legal or professional advice.

For agreeing on device rules, see how parents get on the same page about screen time.

Want more on this topic? See our guide to marriages in trouble.

Frequently asked questions

What are the most important co-parenting tips?

Put the children first, keep communication civil and businesslike, never use them as messengers, stay consistent where you can and have a clear written plan.

How do I co-parent with a difficult ex?

Use brief written communication, keep to child-related topics, don’t react to provocation and consider a mediator or parallel parenting if conflict is high.

Is co-parenting different if there was abuse?

Yes. Safety comes first. Talk to a domestic violence advocate and a lawyer about arrangements that protect you and your children.