7 Tips For Keeping Married Sex Awesome
SIMILAR SEX DRIVE.
This is huge, and to some degree, out of your control. Sexual incompatibility can be extraordinarily difficult to resolve in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But I’m also not sure how you can know that in advance, or how you can foresee if that will change (after childbirth, during menopause, after an injury, etc.). I was a virgin when we met, so it was especially unknown for me. That said, if you’re not waiting for your wedding night, consider this facet of your relationship carefully before making a lifetime commitment. Sex drive disparity generally gets worse, not better, as time passes. For some people, libido differences might be reason to end a relationship—and that’s perfectly valid. Not an easy decision, but valid.
BOTH PARTNERS COMMITTED TO MAKING SEX A PRIORITY IN THE MARRIAGE.
This is related to the above, but it also depends on how you both view sex within marriage. For us, a healthy, satisfying sex life is a cornerstone of our relationship. I’m not a fan of scheduling sex (seems to take away some of the fun of seduction), but it might be better than never getting around to it.
MAKING TIME FOR IT—MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
Maybe this means turning off the TV and TiVo-ing that show you watch before crashing to sleep. This might mean waking up a little earlier on weekends (I’m not going to even pretend like I know how this works when you have small children; that’s exponentially more difficult and beyond my scope of experience). This also means making time to consciously think about sex. For many people (think: teenage boys) this would sound laughable. But for others, especially those of us with stressful lives, sexual thoughts can easily get buried beneath other concerns. When you have five minutes to spare at work, try recalling an especially memorable encounter. Read a bit of erotica, instead of a novel, before you fall asleep (there is quality work out there; it doesn’t have to be a Fabio-romance novel, unless that’s what does it for ya).
Put on sexy music (whatever that means to you: booty-shakin’ hip-hop, R&B, sultry jazz) while you and your partner make dinner. Start a Sexytimes Playlist on your iPod of tunes that get you in the mood (and maybe try dancing to them with your partner). Check out NSFW Tumblrs (Sex Is Not The Enemy is a great place to start). Engage in activities that put you in a sexy frame of mind. A candle-lit bubble bath is the clichéd suggestion… but sometimes, it works. Maybe it’s donning short-shorts, or combat boots, or lacey panties, fixing something with power tools, strutting around naked in your house, seductively licking a lollipop, doing yoga, or wearing glasses. I don’t know. But spend some time figuring out what puts you in touch with your sexual self.
CUT YOURSELF (AND YOUR PARTNER) SOME SLACK.
Everybody has off days (or weeks or months). Don’t compare frequency to other couples; focus on what works for your relationship. Real-life sex can be awkward or unintentionally funny, like when you accidentally fall over while removing your pants or bump heads when you kiss. People make odd noises and faces. Don’t expect it to look or feel like a Hollywood sex scene every time. It also does not need to last an hour (or even five minutes) to be Good Sex. You don’t have to move through every position in the Kama Sutra (although trying new positions is a great way to shake things up). It’s okay if one or both of you doesn’t achieve orgasm every time. Expand your conception of what sex is, and don’t wait until conditions are “perfect” to engage.
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