18 Tweets That Hilariously Capture The Experience Of Married Sex

9

87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016

10

Her:I can’t connect to the WiFi here.
Me: Is your hotspot turned on?
H: This is no time for sex, Mike…I need to send this email!

— Balls Deep (@ThRealBallsDeep) May 27, 2016

11

@DaddyJew @wife_housy I practice safe sex by having two children who have no concept of privacy

— emmaMB (@ems_2505) May 22, 2016

12

Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”

— Nebraska Bob (@Bobinhiding) February 23, 2013

13

[about to sex]
wife: can we do it one time w/out-
*wheeling gong out of closet*
me: w/o the sex gong? but how will we know when to begin?

— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) July 30, 2015

14

My wife says since the last bed fire I’m not allowed to use sparklers in my after sex victory dance.

— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) March 23, 2016

15

When you’re married, the saying “your clothes would look a lot better on the floor” changes to the “in the laundry basket”.

— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) June 18, 2016

16

My mating call is literally ANY variation of my wife hinting she wants sex.

Or maybe she saw a spider. Either way I’m taking my pants off.

— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ™ (@jergarl) June 15, 2016

17

When we were younger, sex ended with, “Hell yeah.” Now it’s, “Shit the bus is here. Oh well. Good try.”

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 18, 2013

18

Married sex?

Is that when you climb in bed, remove your sleeping spouse’s limbs from your side of the bed and say “breathe the other way”?

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 22, 2016