Hilarious Tweets About Married Sex

Some couples have sex almost every night. Others are perfectly content doing it every other month or even less frequently than that.

Regardless of which category you fall into, the 18 spot-on tweets below will sound awfully familiar to married folks.

1

There comes a point in every marriage where one of you becomes the IT guy during sex:

“Did you try jiggling it? MOVE I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”

— Blinky McBlinksalot (@nagunnatelya) May 20, 2015
2

I’m best at sex when I’m a little ragey so for foreplay, we watch a few episodes of House Hunters.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 20, 2016
3

*has sex with bedroom door unlocked*
*adds thrill seeker to resume*

— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) December 10, 2014
4

Wife: I bet an area rug would look nice in the living room

Me:…

W: You don’t agree?

M: Can we talk about it when we’re not having sex?

— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) May 9, 2016
5

*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*

— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 23, 2015
6

[after sex]
may I interest you in a snack? *motions to incredibly extensive cheese platter on nightstand*

— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) April 29, 2016
7

I can’t release my sex tapes because the audio is just kids shouting, “Mom, can I have a snack?” through a locked door.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 3, 2015
8

Unseasonably warm weather is like impromptu sex – welcome, but, like, don’t expect my legs to be shaved.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 8, 2016

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By Your Marriage Counselor