Why She Rejected You: What Women Wish Men Knew
“Why won’t she have sex with me?”
“I’m doing everything right!”
“She’s just a prude and has no libido!”
“She’s simply playing hard to get.”
All of these are things that clients have said in my sex and relationship coaching practice about their female partners. Though in each of these scenarios, the man was way off about why their woman was turning them down.
So, here are some reasons why she rejected you, sexually:
1. Your approach was a turn-off.
Many men go about approaching their partners in a way that turns off any potential sexual energy that may have been present.
Sending a woman an unsolicited picture of your genitals is not a way of getting your woman turned on and excited about sex. Saying, “Hey, baby, let’s f*ck” is also not the way to turn a woman on sexually the majority of the time.
These things often are taken by women, consciously or unconsciously, as abrasive, and can even stir up trauma in the body. Though things on the naughty side or quickies can be fun, ultimately, the majority of women are not going to respond to those advances every time.
Sex, for a woman, starts hours, if not days, before the actual physical penetration, so it’s imperative that you begin to warm her up in the right ways.
The little compliments and the small kisses and touches go a long way. Inquiring about her day, and her life, and doing small things, like cleaning the kitchen, or getting her coffee are huge keys to getting her into a more open and accepting space.
I know for myself that when my man comes up and just gives me a soft kiss with no other expectations other than that, it sends me reeling. So try to approach your woman in a softer fashion.
2. You don’t know what you’re doing.
Let’s face it, if you are not rocking her world in the bedroom, then she isn’t going to want to be bothered. There are various reasons why your woman is not having a great time during sex, and some are things that you, as a man, can fix, and others are her responsibility to work through.
Let me shine some light on a few of these reasons that you can do something about.
It takes a woman 20-40 minutes before she is truly ready for penetration during sex and if penetration is happening before that, then the likelihood of her experiencing true bliss is limited. She may have orgasms, but they are going to pale in comparison to what she is capable of with her sexuality.
Even women in today’s world have a “Let’s get this over with” attitude and often don’t take the time for their own orgasm, so you may have to insist on her taking the time.
If you are not providing her with the appropriate space, time, and attention to get to multiple-orgasmic bliss, then she is likely not going to see the benefit in taking a break from all the other things begging for her time just to have sex.
That’s not to say it is your responsibility to “give” her an orgasm, but it is to say that you need to learn what she likes, give her the time to build up her energy, and then allow her to orgasm before you jump in there and complete the show!
Also, if you aren’t listening to her directions during sex, then she isn’t going to want to continue to have sex with you. What worked for your last partner most likely will not work with your current partner.
Women are all wired differently, and so what turns us on individually is going to be very different. If you get a “correction”, just make the adjustment and then check in with her to see if that’s what she was wanting.
There are plenty of workshops, coaches, books, and educational videos (porn is not educational!) for learning techniques and ways to fulfill your woman, so you can check these out if you are really struggling. But listening to her requests at the base level is vital to more fulfilling sex.
3. She has hormonal or physical problems.
If a woman is not hormonally-balanced or is having physical problems, then she is likely going to deny you.
The pH balance of a woman’s vagina is very delicate and easily thrown off by body washes, sex, certain sex toys, hormonal changes, and so much more. When a woman’s pH is not balanced, she is likely to have yeast infections, irritation, and just not be in the mood.
The same goes for her period! Some women are turned on and ravenous during their periods while others simply don’t want to be touched!
So, first off, be respectful of where your woman’s body is and instead of pushing for sex during these times, this is a great chance for you to focus on the emotional intimacy that will lead to better sex later. Remember that a woman’s turn-on is built up over time!
Also, I can say from personal experience and from working with clients that if you or sex in general, is the reason your woman’s pH is off and she’s feeling crummy, then she is going to be hesitant to jump back into a sexual situation with you.
This means that if you are using the wrong lubes (as many messes with a woman’s pH), the wrong sex toys (as many also mess with a woman’s pH), if you went in the front door after playing in the back door and now she has an infection, or if you scratched her with jagged nails during oral stimulation, then she has some mental and physical repair work to be done prior to engaging in sex again.
4. She has body image issues.
You can tell your woman that she is the most beautiful woman on the planet every day, but if she thinks she is fat or ugly, then there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. The sad thing is that body image severely impacts a woman’s libido and desire for sex.
Though you’re not going to be able to talk her into loving her body, you can still prove to her that you love her body. Those affirming compliments about how sexy you find her or how much you are enjoying her allow a woman to release some of her fears, drop into her body, and simply enjoy.
Another aspect is to make sure you are caressing and taking care of her whole body, and showing that you are interested in more than just her genitals.
Touch her cheek, her arms, her legs, and everywhere else in between. This not only awakens erogenous zones, but also will send her the message that you enjoy worshipping all aspects of her body.
5. She is feeling stressed out or emotional.
When women are stressed out, angry, sad, or experiencing a variety of intense emotions, they are going to be less likely to want to engage in sex. For women, sex is extremely penetrating all levels, in that we have a foreign object literally entering our bodies and so we already feel open or exposed emotionally.
So, sex can be a vulnerability that we don’t want to enter into at that moment. A woman’s mind in our current society is always working and multitasking, and so when we are in a stressed-out mode, this keeps us from being able to really drop deeper into our bodies, which is a true requirement for us to enjoy sex and to not create trauma in our bodies.
So, the best thing you can do in these situations is to first make sure you’re not the cause of her stress and emotions, and if you are, do your best to emotionally connect and fix the situation. If you have broken her trust or been invalidating her emotions, this may take a while to rebuild.
So the best advice is to be patient and let her know that you want to give her the time she needs. If you are just caught in the midst of her emotional storm but want to get her libido going again, then take the time to hold her, help her relax, lend a hand, or simply listen.
The sooner she can work through her emotions, the faster you will be on your way to amazing sex.
6. You’re asking for too much.
It is often in my own life and in the lives of the people I work with that women will tell me that their man took a discussion of fantasies and turned it into something scary for the woman. Men are often excited and, in general, more willing to try different sexual fantasies and experiment in general in the bedroom.
However, this can really work against you with your woman. If you have a fantasy or desire that you, as a man, want to try, then continually pushing on a fantasy she isn’t ready for will land you with no sex at all.
I know that I had one lover that was really into anal play and the more he pushed, the less I wanted to have sex with him at all, fearing that in the middle of sex, he would begin pushing this limit. On top of that, even if your woman acknowledges that something is fun and hot, this does not mean that she is willing and ready to make it a reality.
On this one, my suggestion is to, once again, simply listen to what your woman is truly saying. Ask if she wants to try something and don’t push. Women have enough duty sex in their lives that we don’t have to add any more to the list. Then, if she is willing to try something, don’t push immediately for even more!
Listen, be present, and be respectful.
7. Sometimes, sex is just not on the menu.
Sometimes, sex simply isn’t what a woman wants! Although there are a variety of reasons above, sometimes the reason is simply that we are not in the mood. What a woman may want instead is to be held, kissed, and just adored, without the pressure of sex.
If your woman doesn’t allow you to provide this to her, it is possible that she fears that every time she allows you to do these things, it will lead to sex. If she is turning you down for sex, this does not mean she is completely turning you down for all physical touch or affection.
Once again, taking these small moments will lead to a great turn-on and a better possibility of sex down the road. Warning, though… don’t make this a barter system, where you then expect sex due to you taking these moments. Sex is better when there are zero expectations placed on either partner.
8. She’s just not that into you.
I know this is a hard one to hear, but if your partner is just a girlfriend or a friend, then there is the chance that you aren’t getting sex because she simply isn’t into you!
Inquire, and if she tells you she’s not interested, then as hard as it might be… let go. Your energy would be better spent on someone that is interested in forming a deeper bond. If a woman is really turned off sexually from you, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about you as a person, but can really be an energetic connection that simply isn’t present.