What to do if you and your partner have different sex drives

But, what if you’re hitting a long dry spell and you’re miserable?

What if you’ve fallen into a pattern where your partner is pressuring you for more sex or you’re feeling unsatisfied with a lower amount of sex than you’d like? Well, this conversation takes some care.

You have to approach this conversation in an open, honest, and healthy way, Jonathan Bennett, a counselor and author of the site The Popular Man told INSIDER. It cannot be an accusation because no one is in the wrong for how their own body operates.

“The issue must be approached without shame or judgment from either side,” he said. “Having a high or low sex drive isn’t ‘wrong’ and the conversation should never be approached from a place of alleged moral superiority or condemnation.”

It’s important to acknowledge that a disparity in sex drives can be hard for everyone in the relationship and that seeing it from the other side is absolutely imperative. Empathy is a must.

As frustrated as you may feel, this is no one’s fault.

“The person with the high sex drive often feels neglected and sexually frustrated,” Bennett said. “The one with a low drive typically feels stressed from the pressure to constantly be ‘getting it on.’ Empathy is a must. Try to see the issue from your partner’s perspective, not just your own sense of frustration.”

For the person with a higher sex drive, being turned down for sex can feel a lot like a rejection, which can put strain on the relationship.

It’s important to try not to take things personally.

“Don’t take it personally. Your partner not being horny as often as you’d like is not a rejection of you; your significant other needing more doesn’t make him or her a crazed sex addict,” Whitney said. “Your differences in sex drive are just one more way your partner is a distinct person from you–a distinct person you love.”

If you do want to increase the amount you have sex, there are dozens of ways to go about this.

As mentioned above, the first step should be going to the doctor and making sure your hormones are balanced and that any medication you’re taking is not affecting your libido.

Also, if you or your partner has any trauma or negative experiences surrounding sex, this can be something blocking their desire. Therapy could be a great option to try and make peace with this. Even if this doesn’t apply to you, it may not be a bad idea either.

But beyond that, just a little variety can spice things up. If you have kids, send them to their grandparents’ for the night. Book a hotel room, go on a trip, switch up your foreplay routine, flirt with your partner. The possibilities are endless.

“Experiment with ways to get the lower-sex-drive person more interested,” Whitney said. “What increases the odds that he or she might get into the mood? Some people need to relax a while before they can get out of the swirl in their head and even be aware of sensations in their body.”

“The key is to work together as a team to make your love life mutually satisfying, even when desire doesn’t align,” she continued.

No matter what you try, it’s important to go into it with respect, patience and a sense of humor. After all, this is supposed to be fun, right? This may be an obstacle, but it doesn’t have to be a stopping point.

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