This Is the Recipe for the Absolute Perfect Apology
Why apologizing is so hard (and why it’s so important)
Years ago, I had a falling out with a friend due to a misunderstanding that was completely my fault. I was afraid to admit that I was wrong, so we didn’t speak for years. Then we bumped into each other and decided to meet for lunch. It was so pleasant that we kept meeting. After two or three meals together, I felt compelled to apologize for my transgression years earlier. Here are some more things guaranteed to make you a better friend.
My experience isn’t unique: Many people avoid apologizing because the idea of admitting to wrongdoing makes them terribly uncomfortable. “We all like to view ourselves as good people—as kind, considerate and moral,” says Ryan Fehr, a professor at the University of Washington’s Foster School of Business. “Apologies force us to admit to ourselves that we don’t always live up to our own standards. We might also fear that the victim won’t accept our apology, further compromising our positive sense of self. For these reasons, an apology can be very difficult to give.”
For many, apologizing is stressful, awkward and uncomfortable. But a heartfelt apology has positive effects. Research shows that it can improve your mental health, repair damaged relationships and boost self-esteem.
“Apology acts as a signal of one’s moral character,” Fehr says. “It represents a separation of the offender from the offense. The offender is saying: ‘I recognize that what I did was hurtful, but that offense does not represent me as a person.’”
Would you like to apologize but aren’t sure how? Experts offer the following advice.
Build your apology
Researchers at Ohio State University have determined that effective apologies have six components: Expressing regret, explaining what went wrong, acknowledging responsibility, declaring repentance, offering to repair the situation and requesting forgiveness. All six aren’t necessary every time. (And if you want your apology to really be sincere, you should say these three things.)
“What we found was: The more of those components that were included, the more likely the apology was seen as credible,” says Roy Lewicki, lead study author. “Acknowledgement of responsibility turned out to be the most important piece, followed by explanation of why it happened and declaration of repentance.”
Other research has shown that expressing regret and acknowledging responsibility are vital.
“Without regret, it’s a justification of your actions,” Fehr says. “Without responsibility, it’s an excuse.”
Consider timing
When you want to apologize, should you say something right away? Should you wait, especially if someone needs time to cool off?
“Sometimes, an immediate apology is called for,” says Antony Manstead, psychology professor at Cardiff University in Wales. “But if the other party is angry at your perceived wrongdoing, it may be more effective to wait, because their anger may stop them being receptive to an apology.”
Waiting can have other benefits, too.
“Some research suggests that a delay increases an apology’s effectiveness, because it conveys that the transgressor has had time to reflect on his/her misdeeds,” says Mara Olekalns, professor of management at Melbourne Business School. “Other research suggests that the closer to the transgression, the more effective, possibly because it conveys an immediate recognition of, and remorse for, wrongdoing.”
Waiting too long can backfire, but it may be effective. I took ten years to apologize to my friend, but she was receptive and touched by my words. If your 60-year-old brother apologizes for bullying you as a child, you’ll likely appreciate the sentiment. And some governments successfully apologize for centuries-old crimes. This man waited 39 years to apologize to his seventh-grade teacher.
“The best time to apologize is when one feels ready to sincerely apologize,” says Etienne Mullet, research director of the Ethics and Work Laboratory at the Institute of Advanced Studies in Paris. “There is nothing worse in these situations than insincere apologies.”
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Choose your words
Avoid these pitfalls:
Making excuses. “Because admitting wrong is painful and can make you worried that you’re a bad person, people often water down their apology with excuses—statements that undermine the responsibility part of the apology in order to save face,” says Roger Giner-Sorolla, professor of social psychology at the University of Kent in England.
Belittling someone’s feelings. “Don’t imply that the other person is wrong to feel upset or angry,” Olekalns says. “This diminishes and invalidates their experience.”
Pointing fingers. “Examples include ‘I certainly apologize if I offended anyone,’ and ‘I’m very sorry, but in my defense, you started it,’” Fehr says. “This is deflecting responsibility onto the victim for being too sensitive or starting the conflict cycle. An apology should unequivocally take responsibility for the offense.”
Offering a non-apology. “A non-apology is a statement like: ‘I’m sorry you were offended by my joke,’ Giner-Sorolla says. “It uses the form of an apology—‘I’m sorry’—but follows it up by shifting responsibility to the offended person, implying they’re too sensitive.”
Also, make sure to avoid this tiny word, which can instantly ruin an apology.
Pick a medium
Experts agree that face-to-face apologies trump phoned-in, e-mailed or handwritten apologies.
“Facial expressions, the posture of the body and the tone of voice have all been shown to be important channels that convey how sincere you are when you express remorse,” Giner-Sorolla says. “Anyone can type, ‘I feel really ashamed,’ but if you say it live, it’s obvious whether or not you really mean it.” Here are some more things you should never say over text.
A phone call is second-best: You’ll convey emotions with your voice and get immediate feedback. E-mailed apologies aren’t ideal because they’re devoid of emotional cues … and because once you’ve typed them, the recipients can forward them to anyone.
“A victim can, of course, exploit written apologies and do harm to the apologizer,” Mullet says. “Being a victim does not automatically transform a person into a good person. The person who apologizes must, therefore, be prudent.”
Post-apology, you may feel like a burden has been lifted. Research shows that apologies may ease an apologizer’s troubled conscience, kickstart the forgiveness process among victims, bring people closer and boost trust, even among strangers.
“Apology is an important tool for rebuilding a relationship to make it functional again,” Lewicki says.
Even if you stumble over your words, they’ll mean a lot. “Victims usually do appreciate an apology,” Fehr says. “An apology is much more likely to have a positive effect on the relationship than a negative effect.”
I know this first-hand: My friend and I had lunch recently, 15 years after my belated apology. Confessing that everything had been my fault helped us overcome our rift and heal our bond. We’re both appreciative to have our friendship today.
Here’s what more lifelong friends have to say about the secrets to lasting friendships.
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