The Real Reason Why Parenting Sucks

Think about yourself: what are the things you say you can’t do? Dancing? Public Speaking? Drawing? Running a marathon? Quitting your job and finding work you love? As adults, we just avoid these things, because those first few steps are hard. We don’t want to feel stupid or weak. We avoid the risk of failure. We avoid feeling that gap between who we are, and who we want to be. But, experiencing that gap between desire and skills is the first step in doing something that was previously “impossible” to us.

As adults, our brains are developed enough that we can imagine the future and know why we are choosing to experience this conflict. Our kids, who are naturally little Buddhists, are all in the moment. The future is irrelevant. So, that conflict you want them to experience, that gap between what you want and what they can do today, hurts. Literally. They expect a high probability of failure, so their brain cuts off the supply of dopamine. Their amygdala starts to sing, warning them of failure and the cost of failure.

This is mental anguish, and we’re the ones creating it in our children.

The only way through it is to be present with them in the conflict, and hold them there until they learn that they can do it. You’re not only picking the battle, you’re firing bullets at them until they learn to duck for cover.

Parenting sucks because, with all the love and good wishes we have for our kids, we have to make them suffer. It’s the only way they can grow up into self-actualized, and self-confident adults who can make the world a better place.

Parenting sucks because it forces us to move through conflict. Parenting makes us face our fear of conflict, and learn to accept it. We are challenged to learn to be present in conflict without emotion. Our children become a guide to us, teaching us how to become stronger adults. And in the end, those of us who learn to do this with compassion and grace, will be all the better for it in life, in relationships, and at work.

This article was syndicated from Medium.

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