How To Be Vulnerable And Assert Your Needs In A Relationship

1. Emotion: “I feel…” (state your emotion): It’s a self-disclosure, referring to yourself and expresses a feeling. It must be expressed by stating how you feel not “You make me feel” etc.
2. Behavior: “When you…” (describe their behavior or describes the conditions that are related to your feelings). Refer to the other person’s observable behavior or the conditions that are relevant for you to feel the way you do. State the facts without opinions, threats, criticism, ultimatums, judging, and mind-reading. Avoid words or behaviors that might create defensiveness in your partner.
3. Why: “Because…” (explain why those conditions or your partner’s behavior cause you to feel this way). Explain why you experience this emotion when your partner does the behavior. Also, include how you interpret their behavior and any tangible or concrete effect his or her behavior has on you. Be especially careful about being critical when you describe the “because.”

For example, Melinda might say to Tom: “I felt worried about telling you that I gave Sam a loan so he can move. When you express disapproval about me helping him, it makes me upset because I don’t feel you trust that he’ll pay us back.” Whereas a “You” message might be: “You never trust Sam so that’s why I didn’t tell you about loaning him money. It seems like you get mad when you can’t control our money.” Think about the impact of each statement on this couple’s communication and level of trust and intimacy. The “You” message will most likely cause Tom to feel defensive and to get angrier at Melinda, whereas the “I” message promotes good communication.

4 Things to Consider When Expressing Your Needs to Your Partner:

1. Examine your childhood experiences and ask yourself: Do I ignore my own needs due to seeking other’s approval or caring for others? Do I have abandonment issues or mistrust? Counseling and keeping a journal can help you in overcoming a tendency to a people pleaser.

2. Accept that you simply can’t be liked by everyone. There will always be those who don’t agree or approve of your words or actions. You can’t control what others think of you. We all have unique perceptions based on our personalities and upbringing. Challenge your self-defeating thoughts about your self-worth. You don’t need to prove yourself to others.

3. Treat yourself with respect and compassion rather than judging yourself. Begin with paying attention to your own needs and feelings rather than ignoring them.

4. Practice giving a voice to what you want by being more assertive: Asking for what you need from your partner is about being vulnerable and inviting intimacy. Be sure to start with an “I” message such as “I would love for you to plan a night out for us. I am longing for more time alone with you.”

By using assertive communication, you are opening the door to intimacy. Love means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt; it’s a price you have to pay for intimacy because you and your partner are being open and vulnerable with each other. Conflict will happen and differences don’t have to lead to a breakup. Real love starts with you. The more you know and understand what makes you tick the better prepared you’ll be to invite a partner into your life to create a successful relationship.

Visit Terry at movingpastdivorce.com where you can order her book Daughters of Divorce. You can visit her on Facebook and Twitter.