8 Signs That You’re Actually in a Good Marriage
3. WHEN YOU CAN BOTH STAY TRUE TO YOU
I think a good marriage allows both partners to become their best selves. Partners should help each other grow in positive ways, whether that’s through a gentle push, or cheering from the sidelines, or stepping back and allowing room for the other person to explore their passion. Your spouse should motivate you to be better, without ever forcing you to be untrue to yourself. Support can come in many forms, and I think the kind of support you need changes a lot over the course of a relationship, so really listening and responding to what your partner needs is key.
4. WHEN GOOD AND BAD ARE IRRELEVANT
I don’t love the idea of “good” marriages and “bad” marriages, because it feels a little too much like comparing my inside to someone else’s outside, as they say. I don’t think someone outside the marriage can make a judgment call about whether someone’s marriage is good or bad, especially on the whole. The furthest I would go would be to say, “this aspect of their relationship doesn’t seem healthy.”
For me, the marriage is its own entity separate from both my husband and me, and it’s something we work on together. It’s either working well at the moment, or it needs some improvement right now. The term “bad marriage” makes me think abuse or some other major issue is at play. I think when you get to the point that you judge your own marriage as “bad,” you probably need to start getting out of that marriage.
5. WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MARRIAGE COMES WITH RISK
It was reassuring to hear from everyone that yes, even a “good” marriage has moments of doubt and conflict and fear and anxiety. I asked my pastor’s wife if “marriage is just mitigated risk? Like you marry someone and make the best decision you can and do the work and hope it works out?” And she said, “Yes, basically. Marriage is really hard. But it’s also really amazing.” Which was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.
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