43 Married People Confess Why They Stopped Having Sex With Their Spouse
31. She is heavily into BDSM. I am not, so we have an open relationship.
“We have been together for 13 years, married for just over 8, no sex for going on 2. We match on everything pretty much, except sexual interests. I don’t think either of us are each other’s types. She is also heavily into BDSM, I am not, and once she started exploring that I pushed to let her enjoy it with people who are actually into it as equally as her. This led to us opening our marriage and now, we both date and have sex with other people, going on 7 years. She is still my anchor partner but now there isn’t any pressure to do something neither of us are really into with each other.
It isn’t for everyone but it works for us, and I feel closer to her since we made this choice.”
32. Our sex was rare and predictable and boring and stayed that way for 20-plus years.
“Our sex was rare and predictable and boring and stayed that way for 20-plus years. My wife refused to discuss or consider changes. My dissatisfaction and discontent were irrelevant. They only thing that seemed to matter was her feelings and her limited tolerance for sex. I was chronically angry.
In March 2015 was the last time we had sex. We were on vacation and having fun and when it looked like she was in the mood, I got excited and hopeful. Bang. But despite my efforts to get her into a position other than missionary, the sex was the exact same thing as every single time since before our kids were born, and I became dispirited. I just decided I was done. We went 18 months after that with me thinking life was better without sex. I didn’t approach her, didn’t hold her hand, didn’t discuss it, didn’t make comments about how hot she was if I saw her naked, didn’t touch her—nothing. It was like we were brother and sister. I never told her that’s what I was thinking. I just knew I was done. Talking about it seemed pointless. We’d tried talking about it so many times and the conversation went the same every time. She never seemed to notice or care that I stopped showing interest, never questioned the fact that I had stopped approaching her and that there was no affection between us.
Fall 2016, I was joking around with her and she was laughing and in a good mood and said she wanted to have sex, but only if we started having it with condoms because that way she wouldn’t have to be exposed to any sperm. (We’re both in our late 50s; she’s done with menopause and can’t get pregnant.) I told her no, I didn’t want to have sex any more. I was fucking done. I told her it is easier if I just assume we won’t have any sex. I don’t come on to her and get rebuffed. I don’t get my hopes up when she gets close to me and it turns out it was an accident. If we’re out to dinner or with friends and it feels like we’re having fun, I don’t come home feeling turned on only to get turned down. I don’t get disappointed when she doesn’t want to discuss sex since now there’s no reason to begin a conversation on that. That part of our life is over and it makes me really depressed thinking about it, but less depressed and less angry than when we had robo-sex three times a year.”
33. It just feels creepy to be crawling on top and doing my business on a bored, uninterested woman.
“I have a very weird situation.
My wife fawns on me and waits on me hand and foot. If I wanted to, she’d let me play video games all night while she did laundry, dishes, cleaned the house…etc….and she’s never complained about it. If I’m playing a game and I’m like, Hey can you bring me a sandwich and something to drink, then poof, she runs off and does it. She doesn’t nag, she never raises her voice.
Even weirder, if I see something that needs to be done like sweeping up some dog hair, she gets mad at me if she catches me doing housework, ‘What? You don’t think I can do my job?’ ‘No honey, you do a great job, the house looks fantastic, I just noticed some dog hair under the couch and wanted to help you out.’ ‘Well don’t. I’ve got it. Just tell me if you see something.’
She’s a stay-at-home wife since I earn just enough money for the both of us and our three kids to live comfortably. I’ve never asked her to, or expected her to work. She can if she wants, but it’s her choice.
THEN we get in bed. ‘Sooo honey, wanna make out?’
‘I’m tired and I have a headache. I’ll just lay here and you can do what you want.’ OR ‘I promise I’ll get sexy this weekend and we’ll have fun.’
The first thing is not something that I want. It just feels creepy to be crawling on top and doing my business on a bored, uninterested woman. The second thing where she promises to get sexy on the weekend never happens at all.
At least three times in the past ten years, I’ve broken down and told her it’s over. I’m done. I want a divorce. Then she breaks down into a heap on the floor. Begs and cries. Says I’m the only thing in her life and that she loves me.
If I persist, she stops eating and drinking. Essentially goes on a hunger strike.
The last time this happened, she even threatened to kill herself. So I give in, and I take her back every time.
For about a month or two afterwards, the sex will be great and exactly what I want. Then it slowly goes back to ‘tired and headache’ land for another year or more before I lose my patience again.
We’re in our 17th year of marriage. The sex was great for about three (?) of them.”
34. Layers of issues from health to addiction.
“I’m planning my getaway. It’s going to take a year or two but I refuse to live without sex for the rest of my life….I’m waiting because children are involved and my financial situation needs to be better.
Layers of issues from health to addiction. He had problems with addiction years ago before we met and his old demons have returned. So I’ve also lost companionship. There is zero desire to go anywhere or do anything. I talked about going to see the opening of Beauty and the Beast for weeks. When the time came, he was well on his way to becoming incoherent. Foaming at the mouth and nodding off. He will drop his phone and pretend it just slipped out of his hand, then drop it again. I’ll admit I over drink, I own it. He will use this if I try to address his multiple addictions. I’ve come to see that we are both enabling each other. I don’t think he is capable of rehabilitation. Or at least, not with me.
I can’t live like this much longer. I feel like I’m being dragged down. No sex is just another problem.
I’m not out of love but I’m not in love anymore. I’m loving and supportive in every way. Still talk dirty etc., but honestly, his sex drive was never very high anyway. It has been an issue for me over the years, having a lot more desire and feeling I’m always the one initiating. Now, he just can’t even get it up when we try.”
35. Anytime I tried to initiate sex she showed the biggest lack of interest imaginable to the point it felt like I was feeling up a shop dummy.
“Been with my wife for 11 years (3 of those married)
In the last year, she has started holding my hand less, giving less enthusiastic cuddles, proper kisses are nonexistent, it’s just quick pecks on the lips or cheeks. Anytime I try to give her a proper cuddle I can physically feel her pulling away and not wanting a close cuddle or kiss. Our sex life used to be great, we did a lot of things, i.e., toys, naked texts, oral (now only I do that) and other bits and pieces but that generally slowed down to sex 3 times a week to 3 times a month and this continued till our child was born 7 months ago.
The first four months were great, she wanted sex more, was frisky and was more physical. Then it just stopped all of a sudden. She hardly gives me a kiss or a hug now. Anytime I tried to initiate sex she showed the biggest lack of interest imaginable to the point it felt like I was feeling up a shop dummy. It’s now been two months without any proper intimacy, and I just don’t know what to do.”
36. Because I hate myself.
“Because I hate myself. She is beautiful and makes it clear that she wants me, but I can’t understand why she would. I guess I picked a good time to have a migraine since I’m wearing sunglasses while I write this. Hope I can change someday before she’s gone.”
37. About five or six years ago sex had become a sterile function.
“Been together 18 years. She’s always been vanilla, I’m, we’ll, Zapp Brannigan. Game for anything, but never any real chances. About five or six years ago sex had become a sterile function.
I go down on her, she has an orgasm, I have to wait it out (literally cockblocked), get in, give her another orgasm, get my own before she dismounts me (or just tells me to finish). Sunday nights, only after she takes a shower. Wants lotion beforehand. It all sounds pretty big and sensual, but it was mechanical as hell.
With the start of some ED, (I can get it up but not sustain if no proper stimulus is applied) I got sick of it. It was crushing to have this thing that was such a part of my inner self, if not a part of reality, to just be so unknowable. After a while I would try every couple months, but it was just maintenance. I was pulling away from her and shutting down emotionally.
Then I met a great girl, gamer like I am, dirty humor, intelligent and drop-dead gorgeous. Way out of my league. It wasn’t long before we were having deep conversations. And God did I get hard over her.
There was a point where I said ‘fuck it.’ And went for the gold. She knew I was married, we even had plans on trying to bring my wife into it. (Did I mention vanilla, like off brand diluted vanilla?)
I told her I wanted to be her lover, and after 4 months, I had the first totally turned on, rampaging sex in years.
As you might have guessed, she was a little more damaged goods than stable. I’d say we got about 6 good months in before she started getting all weird about something I said or did. She was actually trying to ‘ice’ me out (something she said she did to others, hindsight’s 20/20 and all that) when I got a patch of bumps on the side of my penis. HSV 2, it turns out.
Last I spoke to her was to let her know, before she stopped all communication.
Q&A Yes, my wife knows I have it. No, she doesn’t know about her. The time with my girlfriend was the best I’ve been to my wife. Not guilty nice, it was an entire weight between us gone. When I had to confess, wife has not tested positive yet, and now I’m fully celibate.
We came to an agreement (more like I explained to her) that she never was as interested in it as I was, and she was fully capable of going without—amply proven throughout our marriage). I had made my bed I’m lying in it. I don’t tell her how much I’ve lost of what makes me, me. I do my best now to show her affection, but simply avoid any sexuality.”
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