Why Relationship With Self Should Always Come First

“One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.”

Right now I don’t know if it’s worth holding onto. A marriage so broken, so shattered, putting the pieces back together seem nearly impossible. My mind flashes back to when I was younger and I would hear my parents fighting in the room right across from mine. Money, sibling rivalries, lies, and deceit. I remember taking my favorite pink pillow from my bed and bringing it with me into my closet, where I’d bury my head in it and cry. I’d cry for hours, sometimes until I fell asleep. Most times my mother would find me and cradle me in her arms. She’d kiss my forehead and tell me everyone would be alright. She gave me a glimmer of hope I’d grasp onto.

But 15 years later, the same fights, the same arguments, the same screaming, and tears. The difference now is that I understand the full story behind these fights, and instead of being the little girl who hid in her closet crying, I became the one stepping in to stop the fighting with tears streaming down face, but this time without the comfort of my closet walls or my favorite pillow.

My parents are the most amazing parents, and I have been truly blessed in that way. They’ve always provided the best they’ve could for, been there to support me, and have given me more love than I could ever ask for. Their unhappy marriage has definitely taken a toll on me, however, their ability to be great parents and role models has never been compromised.

Growing up, I watched in awe as the heroes swooned the heroines with smooth lines and smiles framing their dimples. And I imagined that one day I would find my true love just like all the heroines did in my favorite Bollywood movies. As I entered my freshman year of high school, I buried my nose into novels by Nicholas Sparks and Nora Roberts. Each one left me with a longing, a longing to find the one. My soul mate, who I’d be able to spend the rest of my life happily with, who’d love me till death do us part. Looking back, I was a die-hard romantic, but recently that hasn’t been the case. Part of me thinks that I am not meant for love, for marriage, for a soul mate. It’s much easier to imagine a future of just me in it than one with someone else. Up until recently, I was so ready to fall in love. So ready to find my person and settle down. But now I’m not so sure.

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