What you need to know about emotional security, insecurity, and connection in marriages

When couples sync on an emotional level, they can grow very close to each other. This proximity manifests itself both physically, through eye contact, holding hands and touching, and emotionally, for example, by listening actively, offering emotional support, showing empathy. Married couples that share emotional moments are able to grow both together as couples and as individuals.

Understanding emotional insecurity

The feelings of security and attachment in marriage work like a warning mechanism. When one of the partners feels stress or threat, he or she starts seeking care and comfort with the spouse.

In marriages with attachment and security present, spouses depend on each other when it comes to dealing with emotional stress.

Attachment and security are very powerful motivators because most humans don’t thrive in isolation. In a marriage, avoidance, isolation, and withdrawal can be a mechanism of coping with a conflict that tests the security of the relationship.

The feeling of insecurity can arise both because of a loud angry attack and a silent withdrawal. Insecurity is not equal to the absence of engagement. It appears in marriages that lack safety and attachment. For example, insecurity may appear when one of the spouses is unresponsive to the needs of the partner in a stressful situation. The cause of the situation may or may not be related to the marriage. It may include work-related issues, health conditions, and a threat of a loss.

Consequences of emotional insecurity in a marriage

Emotional insecurity in a marriage can have a number of negative effects, including partners feeling lonely, angry, depressed and anxious.

If you are feeling stressed and are hoping to get emotional support from your partner but your spouse is not available, you are likely to give up trying to get a response after recognizing a familiar pattern of your partner ignoring your needs. You may also start feeling depressed or try an alternative strategy to get your spouse’s attention. The problem is that the absence of attention will add to your stress and you’ll feel even more exhausted.