The Two Best Questions for Your Sex Life

Here is the second question: What touches you most deeply in sex?

This is a marvelous question, and one that every sexual adult should enjoy, relish and reflect upon. Interestingly,for reasons I describe in greater detail in my new book Deeper Dating: How to Drop The Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, it often leaves us feeling more vulnerable than the previous one.

Have you ever been emotionally touched during sex in a way that took you by surprise? Have you ever been moved to the point of tears, or felt a sense of love which overtook you? Have you ever had the feeling of lust and love fused together? Has your sex ever left sex far behind? (If you haven’t yet experienced this, just imagine what it would be like.) What happened to create that experience? Try to think back and remember. It will tell you worlds about who you are and your deepest sexual gifts.

Are there parts of your body which, when touched in a certain way, trigger deep emotions? Is there a pacing in sex which touches and moves you deeply? If you are partnered, what touches your partner most deeply in sex?

When Jill and her husband (at that time, her boyfriend) first had sex, he did something which felt odd to her. In the middle of enthusiastic sex, he began to slow down, and then stopped moving altogether. He enwrapped her in his arms as he lay on top of her, and then—he lay perfectly still. She assumed he hadn’t climaxed, so she was bewildered, but she went with the moment. As they lay motionless in their embrace, she felt something begin to shake inside her. Out of nowhere, she began to weep. They clung fiercely together, neither knowing what hit them. This beautiful ritual became a hallmark of many episodes of their sexual expression through the years.

In sex and in life, most us are both more wild and more tender than we feel comfortable with. Both aspects of our sexuality are portals to our deepest self and our richer expression in the world. You can ask yourself these two questions during sex as a way to guide you and your partner to those portals of intimacy: What expressions would touch me and my partner most deeply on a emotional level? How can we follow the trail of our deep turn-ons at this moment?

When we avoid risk by hiding our most vulnerable sexual needs, we diminish the intimacy between us and our partner. When we give up our deep authenticity to keep things safe, sex becomes bland and we start retreating from it. When experimentation dies, Eros dies along with it. As much as you can, bring Eros into the relationship. That means sharing with your partner the things in sex that move you most deeply, that turn you on most intensely. It means listening for the same with your partner, and moving step by step together to the sexual soul of your relationship. Whatever stage you’re in, in the continuum from single to committed couple, you can use these questions to deepen your sexuality. You can experiment with these ideas in your sex life, your marriage, or your masturbation fantasies. Bon adventure in your journey to a richer and more emotionally gratifying sex life!

Note: All of the above ideas are predicated upon the foundation of emotional and physical safety. If you are in a relationship which is in any way abusive or if you are at risk of engaging in sexual behaviors which may cause harm to others or yourself; if any of these questions bring up strong feelings of disturbance, or if you are suffering from an untreated psychiatric disorder, please seek the help of a skilled and credentialed psychotherapist/psychiatrist before delving into these exercises.

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