Staying Lovers While Raising Kids
Q: Yet some parents remain happily married. What is their secret?
PC: The key to marital satisfaction lies in how couples manage the decision-making process. It’s not whether the couples have problems, because every couple does. But when babies come along, there are a lot more issues and differences of opinion to negotiate, and a couple’s ability to do so with cooperation and respect can make or break the marriage.
It’s also important for partners to hear each other’s outbursts without immediately firing back or engaging in blame. And the one who’s said or done something thoughtless needs to make amends later. Saying, “I made that comment out of anger. I really didn’t mean it,” goes a long way toward repairing a relationship.
Q: You also put some expectant couples in groups with trained leaders and found years later that their satisfaction did not decline. Can you explain?
PC: Many people take Lamaze classes, learning how to breathe during childbirth, but few give much thought to what the next 20 years are going to be like. Couples in our first study joined the groups when the wives were seven months pregnant and met weekly until the babies were 3 months old.
The group helped them start thinking concretely about what life with the baby would be like and enabled them to talk about their ideas, worries, and confusion before and after the birth. Six years later, the couples who remained married and had been in these groups were far more satisfied with their relationships.
Q: So when couples fight, what is it that they’re usually fighting about?
CPC: New parents say it’s the division of labor, the who-does-what in the family.
PC: When children become school-age, the issues of money and spending time together become more important.
Q: Don’t couples’ sex lives play a big role in their marital satisfaction?
CPC: Sex is a reflection of how the rest of the relationship is going. If you feel hurt or misunderstood, or you and your husband are struggling over but not resolving issues, that affects how attracted, nurturing, and ready to have sex you’ll be.
The frequency of lovemaking declines during the early months of parenthood when mothers especially are exhausted, but we find that most couples’ sex lives rebound within two years. During that time, though, some partners may not initiate even snuggling or touching for fear that it will give the message that they’re ready to have sex when they aren’t. We advise couples to be perfectly clear: “I’m not sure how much energy I have tonight, but I’d love to hold you for a few minutes.” That enables them to have more intimate time together and show caring for each other.
Many new mothers talk about feeling unattractive postpartum. But while a few men find it hard to see their wives as sexual after having children, most husbands are supportive about their wives’ appearance.
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