My Husband Didn’t Bond With Our Newborn (But Everything Turned Out Okay)

It makes much more sense to me in hindsight. It might be easier for moms to be invested in the baby from the start. We’ve got nine months of physically experiencing its growth, and the intense work of labor and delivery, and the help of maternal hormones flowing through our bodies to kick off the bonding process. Dads just get to watch it all happen to someone else and show up when it’s time, and are expected to be automatically devoted simply because, well, they’re the dads. And some dads are instantly in love with their newborns. For some, though, it just takes more time, and the ability to get something out of the emerging relationship. But since they can’t really say, “Hey, I’m not all that into this baby,” (I mean, can you imagine the reaction?!) they have to go through the motions until the day comes when they’re genuinely able to enjoy their child.

We’ve been through four newborns together now, and I can tell you that my husband was the same distant way with every one of them. He held them, kissed them, helped with their care and feeding, but mostly just went through the motions. That is, until they got a little bit older, a little more interactive, a little more sturdy. Then it always changed. Their relationship seemed to soar after that point.

I asked him the other day why it always took him so long to warm up to our babies.

“Because you can’t wrestle with a newborn,” he joked.

Some guys, I think, are like caterpillars in a cocoon. You wonder if they’ll ever fully emerge into the world of fatherhood. But when they do — once the metamorphosis from  “donor” to “Dad” is complete — it’s a fascinating, beautiful transformation. They turn into the type of dad who will watch his children sleep and marvel at how tall and long-limbed they’re getting. The type who will hug and give advice and piggyback rides, and yes, wrestle. The loudest cheerer on the sidelines.

That’s my husband now.

The last to bond, maybe, but the first to come through for his kids — no matter what.

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