I Talked To 1400 Strangers About Their Sex Lives. Here’s What I Learned.

7. Space and safety, FTW.

Whether we talked about BDSM, dating, kissing, fighting, polyamory, anything really — it seemed that two things needed to be cultivated in order to create and maintain a healthy, thriving relationship: space and safety.

Space is the freedom to explore myself and the world around me without the fear of judgement or abandonment.

Safety is the freedom to express what I’m thinking and feeling without the fear of judgment or abandonment.

When either space or safety is compromised, relationships can feel suffocating and stressful, and don’t promote us being our best selves.

It feels like this stands true for all relationships including with family, friends, and colleagues.

8. We can all learn to be great lovers and partners.

There was a time, early on in our lives, when we didn’t know how to put on our own socks. Someone had to teach us. It may have been frustrating at first, but eventually, we got the hang of it. This year, I learned that being good in bed, in partnership, and in life is similarly skill-based.

The idea that some of us are good in bed and some of us aren’t is false. The more accurate statement is some of us have learned how to be good partners and some have not, but each of us has the capacity to grow.

There are practices, tools, and techniques that we can each acquire to become more empathetic, communicative, sensitive, and supportive — to be better in bed, in love, and in life.

These things show up in the forms of stories, books, podcasts, ted talks, products, and of course, events. If we want to be amazing lovers and partners, we can be. Like anything else, it takes a bit of intentional practice.

9. When you pursue magic, you find it.

Last July, at the fourth Touchpoint ever, Nyla met Andrew.
This summer, Nyla and Andrew are getting married.