I Talked To 1400 Strangers About Their Sex Lives. Here’s What I Learned.

3. Your imagination is a sex toy.

I used to think that BDSM was a scenario in which I was naked and chained to a wall while a woman dressed in leather whipped me, called me names, and I was most definitely crying. Just weird, kinky, painful, aggressive sexual exploration. Not into it.

It turns out — I was wrong. After listening to dozens of stories shared by ‘mainstream people’ who explored BDSM with partners, a new definition emerged for me: BDSM is Fantasy.

It’s an exercise in tapping into your imagination to elevate your sexual experiences from the purely physical to the psychologically fantastic. And it doesn’t have to hurt.

BDSM can be something as simple as role playing or experimenting with restraints or blindfolds.

Turning sex into something playful and imaginative can bring two people closer together, cultivate trust, and whip your relationship into shape.

4. Words matter.

Sexual exploration

The word promiscuity makes people feel badly. Especially women. It’s harsh, judgmental, and actually, incredibly sexist. For instance, there is a Wikipedia page for Promiscuity and a separate one exclusively for Female promiscuity. Additionally, the etymology for promiscuity means “indiscriminately choosing sexual partners.” Selecting things indiscriminately and having a lot of them are not the same. For instance, Warren Buffet has many investments. I don’t think he chooses them indiscriminately.

Just because someone has many sexual partners, does not mean they haven’t chosen those partners carefully and with intention.

One suggestion that got a lot of nods was replacing promiscuity with a new phrase: sexual exploration. Hundreds of Touchpoint attendees reported that exploring themselves through sex allowed them to figure out what they want, what types of people they’re attracted to, and how to communicate needs and boundaries in life — not just sex.

Sex can be incredibly empowering, and serve as a doorway to personal discovery.

Partners

Words like boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are loaded with gender-specific expectations that feel outdated and often unjust. Touchpoint attendees tend to use gender-neutral terms like partner, which can be defined uniquely by anyone. It shifts the definition of roles within a partnership from this is what society thinks we should be to this is what we think we should be.

Women

This one’s specifically for the bros. We need to stop referring to fully grown adult females as “girls.” They’re women. We need to show them the respect they deserve.

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