I Married The First Person I had Sex With. Here’s What I Learned.
We’re attracted to dysfunction
You know when you see that person who seems magical and you just want to be with them no matter what? That’s called limerence. What’s happening is that your unconscious, disowned parts see an opportunity to get into a protracted battle with their unconscious, disowned parts.
Beware of limerence. Have lots of relationships so that you can learn that we’re all just humans, sacks of blood and bones and guts. We’re all saddled with endless psychological tics and insecurities. Inside, we’re all ugly as fuck, and yet super-lovable at the same time.
One of the main things I have learned from starting and ending many relationships is this fundamental truth: this one is not “the one” (there is no “the one”). No matter how special they might seem, no matter how much I put them on a pedestal, sooner or later I’m going to learn the truth that they’re just another human. They’re struggling through life too, and I’m going to be challenged to love them warts-and-all. I’m going to be challenged to love the parts of myself that I have disowned. I’m going to have to learn to love the parts of myself that I have projected onto this other person.
With enough experience, when you find yourself attracted to someone, and you get that sense that they’re somehow special, you begin to recall the truth. You know how this goes. You know how this story plays out. It always plays out the same way. Boy meets girl, they put each other on pedestals, then they learn the truth about each other (really about themselves), then they struggle, finally they either accept reality and go deep, or they experience a painful and growthful break up.
Conclusion
What I want you to take from this article is a sense of the importance of getting to know yourself deeply first. Spend your twenties getting to know who you are and what you want. If your twenties are in the past, then start now. Meditate and get coaching or therapy. Learn to validate what you want and go for it. Prioritize taking care of yourself. At the same time, get lots of experience by starting and ending many relationships. By doing this, you will find out what you like and want, and you will be able to develop a contrast between the different relationships. At the same time, by developing deep friendships, you will have a reference point of what if feels like to be cherished. Good luck.
