I Married The First Person I had Sex With. Here’s What I Learned.
Cultivate quality friendships
For a long period before we divorced, and though I was back in my country of birth, I felt isolated. We lived in a relatively remote region with few local friends, and I was busy working from home. Nearly all of my human contact was with my toddler son, and my wife. When she asked me to leave our family home, I reluctantly complied, and desperately began to seek her favor, trying to persuade her to change her mind. I was desperate to achieve my goal of keeping our family together. My identities as a husband and a father were also under threat.
During this time, I started to make friends. I made some really close friends through doing The Hoffman Process, which I strongly recommend to everyone. It’s available in many different countries. I spent time with people who cared about me, who loved me, who had compassion for me. These people treated me kindly.
I experienced long periods of being away from my wife, periods with people who treated me kindly. Then I would visit her, and try to persuade her to not divorce me. My experience of her during those time was a great contrast with that of being with my friends. I began to realize that I didn’t want to be with her either. It was like I was waking up from a deep sleep. I hadn’t realized how unpleasant it had been for me to be with her. It had been constantly painful for years.
Since divorce, I have cultivated and maintained many friendships. I have also made sure to take frequent breaks from my intimate relationships. I did this so that I could get a clear perspective on what it’s actually like to be with that person. If you’re not enjoying and benefitting from being in a relationship, and things cannot be resolved, then you have an opportunity to grow even more by ending the relationship.
The world is full of people who are waiting to give you love and compassion. Seek them out, enjoy them, and celebrate them. Don’t waste your life being stuck with people with whom you’re not compatible, with whom you don’t mesh.
Commit appropriately
When my wife did not return from abroad with my son, without my consent and without consulting me, I now understand that the implicit message she was sending to me might have been, “I’m not working with you. I’m acting unilaterally and autonomously from you.” Instead of listening to that implicit but clear message, and matching the level of commitment in my actions, I dived in and doubled-down on my commitment to her. I sacrificed my own foundational position of strength, over-reached my center of balance, and committed to someone who was not supporting me.
I have a tendency to overcommit. I had to learn to pay attention to the signs of willingness to commit from the other person and then match that.
In more than one subsequent relationship, my partner has complained about me to my face, or to others, “You’re too anxious,” or “You’re too jealous.” This last one was projection: I suffer from many weaknesses, but romantic jealousy is definitely not one of them. I have learned to match the sentiment. I now take the position of, “I understand that you think I’m too anxious for you. I love you, and I want you to be happy. I wonder if it makes sense for you to be with me.” I have also learned that sometimes my partner just needs a hug.
In a broader sense, I have learned to not chase after people who are pushing me away. On the flip side, I have learned to not run away from people who are pulling me in. Note that some people, and I’m not referring to my ex-wife, like to pull us in so that they can then push us away, or push us away so that they can then pull us in. Handle such people with caution.
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