Frustrated woman holding her fists up

Are You the Difficult Spouse? 3 Habits That Quietly Damage a Marriage

ByMarriage Bliss Editorial Team

Last updated October 21, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.

If you feel unhappy in your marriage, it’s tempting to point at your spouse. But relationships run on two people’s habits, and three common ones, blaming, criticizing and shutting down emotionally, can wear a marriage down fast. These habits show up in husbands and wives alike. The good news is that all three can be changed.

Quick answers

  • Which habits do the most harm? Blame, constant criticism, contempt and emotional withdrawal.
  • Is it all one person’s fault? Rarely. Both partners shape the pattern.
  • Can it be fixed? Yes, with awareness and consistent practice, sometimes with a counselor’s help.

Note: This is about everyday habits, not abuse. If you’re afraid of your partner, see the resources at the end.

1. Blaming

If every problem is your spouse’s fault, you’ve handed away your power. Blame turns disagreements into trials. Try owning your part: “I snapped at you earlier, and I’m sorry.” Then state what you need, not what’s wrong with them.

Try this: Replace “You made me…” with “I felt… when… I’d like…”

2. Criticizing (and contempt)

Complaining about a specific behavior is healthy. Attacking your spouse’s character, with name-calling, sarcasm or eye-rolling, is not. Researcher John Gottman identifies criticism and contempt as two of his “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce. Learn more in the Gottman divorce predictors.

Try this: Raise one issue at a time. Start gently, be specific and say what you appreciate too.

3. Emotional shutdown

Stonewalling, the silent treatment, hiding your feelings, or withholding affection creates distance. Over time the other person feels lonely and unwanted. If you tend to go quiet when stressed, tell your spouse you need time and come back to the conversation. See overcoming the silent treatment.

How to change the pattern

  1. Notice it. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse how these habits show up.
  2. Pause before reacting. A 20-minute break can stop an argument from escalating. See how to stop an argument.
  3. Practice appreciation. Thank your spouse for one thing each day.
  4. Learn fair-fight rules. Start with the rules for fighting fair.
  5. Get help if you’re stuck. A counselor can break old patterns. Browse our counselor guide.

If you’re on the receiving end

If your spouse is the one blaming and criticizing, set calm boundaries and name the behavior. If you feel unsafe, belittled to the point of fear, or controlled, that’s abuse. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. See signs of emotional abuse.

The bottom line

Marriages rarely fail because of one big moment. They erode through repeated habits. Look at your own part first, and change what you can.

Frequently asked questions

What habits quietly damage a marriage?

Blaming, criticizing (especially with contempt) and emotional shutdown are among the most damaging patterns.

How do I stop being critical?

State what you need instead of what’s wrong, pause before reacting, and appreciate specifics daily.

What if my spouse is the one who is critical?

Name the pattern calmly and set boundaries. If you feel afraid or controlled, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

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