Are You the Difficult Spouse? 3 Habits That Quietly Damage a Marriage
Last updated October 29, 2026 by the Marriage Bliss Editorial Team.
If you feel unhappy in your marriage, it’s tempting to point at your spouse. But relationships run on two people’s habits, and three common ones, blaming, criticizing and shutting down emotionally, can wear a marriage down fast. These habits show up in husbands and wives alike. The good news is that all three can be changed.
Quick answers
- Which habits do the most harm? Blame, constant criticism, contempt and emotional withdrawal.
- Is it all one person’s fault? Rarely. Both partners shape the pattern.
- Can it be fixed? Yes, with awareness and consistent practice, sometimes with a counselor’s help.
Note: This is about everyday habits, not abuse. If you’re afraid of your partner, see the resources at the end.
1. Blaming
If every problem is your spouse’s fault, you’ve handed away your power. Blame turns disagreements into trials. Try owning your part: “I snapped at you earlier, and I’m sorry.” Then state what you need, not what’s wrong with them.
Try this: Replace “You made me…” with “I felt… when… I’d like…”
2. Criticizing (and contempt)
Complaining about a specific behavior is healthy. Attacking your spouse’s character, with name-calling, sarcasm or eye-rolling, is not. Researcher John Gottman identifies criticism and contempt as two of his “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce. Learn more in the Gottman divorce predictors.
Try this: Raise one issue at a time. Start gently, be specific and say what you appreciate too.
3. Emotional shutdown
Stonewalling, the silent treatment, hiding your feelings, or withholding affection creates distance. Over time the other person feels lonely and unwanted. If you tend to go quiet when stressed, tell your spouse you need time and come back to the conversation. See overcoming the silent treatment.
How to change the pattern
- Notice it. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse how these habits show up.
- Pause before reacting. A 20-minute break can stop an argument from escalating. See how to stop an argument.
- Practice appreciation. Thank your spouse for one thing each day.
- Learn fair-fight rules. Start with the rules for fighting fair.
- Get help if you’re stuck. A counselor can break old patterns. Browse our counselor guide.
If you’re on the receiving end
If your spouse is the one blaming and criticizing, set calm boundaries and name the behavior. If you feel unsafe, belittled to the point of fear, or controlled, that’s abuse. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. See signs of emotional abuse.
Other habits that wear a marriage down
- Keeping score of who does more. See keeping score in marriage.
- Redoing your spouse’s work because it’s “not right.” See when your spouse redoes everything.
- Venting about your spouse to friends or online.
- Sarcasm that’s meant to sting.
- Never apologizing, or apologizing with “but.”
A quick self-check
Ask yourself honestly:
- Do I point out what’s wrong more than what’s right?
- Do I roll my eyes or sigh when my spouse talks?
- When something goes wrong, is my first thought “whose fault is this”?
- Do I shut down instead of saying what I feel?
- Would I want to be married to me this week?
Answering “yes” to some of these doesn’t make you a bad spouse. It means you’ve noticed a habit you can change.
Small swaps that change the tone
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “You never help.” | “Could you handle the dishes tonight? I’m wiped out.” |
| “Why would you do it that way?” | “Thanks for doing it.” (and let it go) |
| Silent treatment | “I’m upset and need a little time. Can we talk at 8?” |
| “This is your fault.” | “How do we fix this together?” |
Her side, his side
Her side: “I’m critical because I’m overwhelmed and nothing changes unless I push.”
His side: “Everything I do gets corrected, so I’ve stopped trying.”
Both get stuck. A specific request from her and follow-through from him break the cycle.
The bottom line
Marriages rarely fail because of one big moment. They erode through repeated habits. Look at your own part first, and change what you can.
Want more on this topic? See our guide to marriage communication and conflict.
Frequently asked questions
What habits quietly damage a marriage?
Blaming, criticizing (especially with contempt) and emotional shutdown are among the most damaging patterns.
How do I stop being critical?
State what you need instead of what’s wrong, pause before reacting, and appreciate specifics daily.
What if my spouse is the one who is critical?
Name the pattern calmly and set boundaries. If you feel afraid or controlled, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
