12 Things Sex Therapists Wish You Knew
Never let problems fester
Many people let sexual problems go on for months or years unaddressed—experts advise that the sooner you get help, the better. “My best advice is not to let the problem go on too long,” Schwartz says. “Sometimes years go by and the longer couples deny the problem or do nothing about it except skip sex or engage in ‘mercy sex,’ the harder it is to solve the problem.”
You should mix it up to get out of a rut
Therapists say that you shouldn’t take sex so seriously. “Good sex is fun and playful, so when you reach a bump in the road, try to have a sense of humor and think creatively,” Young says. “Trying something new can add fun and excitement to your sexual relationship: a new position, sexy music, romantic lighting, colognes, lotions, lubricants…the possibilities are endless.”
You won’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable
Sex therapy is about helping you have a more fulfilling sex life—not forcing you to engage in behavior that makes you squeamish. “Sex therapy is about meeting your client where they are at,” says Chavez. “It is about creating a safe and comfortable environment where you can explore sex. Discomfort and shame are the first things we want to reduce. The benefit of sex therapy is that you will have access to many resources, tools, and options for sexual healing.”
Scheduling sex isn’t a bad idea
Penciling in sex on your calendar may seem a little ridiculous, but the experts say that it’s often the key to maintaining the spark in a long-term relationship—especially one where life demands are getting in the way of their relationship. “Scheduled sex can be just as erotic, passionate, and pleasurable as spontaneous encounters,” Francis says. “Plus, as your responsibilities increase, scheduling sex makes it more likely to happen.”
You don’t need to be in a relationship
While sex therapy practices mostly deal with couples, people who aren’t currently in a sexual relationship will benefit as well—especially if they have problems that prevent them from being intimate with other people, such as a history of abuse or negative thoughts about sex. “Sexuality is a vital part of all our lives and we can greatly benefit from individual work around it and how it intersects with other areas in life,” Rosinski says.
Therapy doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed
Many people imagine that therapy means that they’re failing at their relationship—and that it’s the last stop before breakup. “Actually, the opposite is usually true,” Young says. “Most of the couples who come to see me care deeply about each other, and they have decided to take steps to move their relationship forward to the next level. Recognizing that your sexual relationship is not where you want it to be, and seeking support to overcome obstacles is a sign of strength. The right therapist can help couples to make significant improvements and lasting changes in their relationship.”
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